Cold and Beautiful ( December 26, 2012 )

And just as December freezes the breeze,
And showers the warm earth with drops of cold molten salt..
I will look into your eyes and embrace the edge of emptiness.
I will taste your tears, and miss your lips.
I will blow stone kisses and wish on a hollow sky..
And just as December bestows the most beautiful promises of fondness,
I will burst into pieces, and mend into crystal.

Third Christmas ( December 25, 2012 )

I have another Christmas wish.. Besides healing, I would like to ask for more patience, and more love for the gift of motherhood...

Today, Euwy and I are celebrating our 3rd Christmas together, and I'm forever in awe and gratitude to heavens who gave me the best christmas gift ever three years ago. I just wish things were easier for Euwy..and me, so I can function better as a mother. Merry Christmas little boy! Happy birthday Jesus!

A Night Before Christmas ( December 24, 2012 )

After a bottle of red, and maybe five bottles of beer, I sink into the Christmas eve fever. I tried very, very hard, to find peace in my nothingness, and to hope for a possible happiness. Merry Christmas eve to my bleeding heart. Please heal real soon. Maybe tomorrow..

Ruins ( December 23, 2012 )

It's been a year, exactly, today when I found out the ugliest truth of my life. Yes, two days before Christmas, you broke the silence and my exhausted heart. I still couldn't believe how you were able to destroy the love I thought we were both fighting for. I don't want to have to spend another Christmas, crying in between the merry making, the laughter and the sharing of gifts, having only one wish in my heart..that I will heal soon.

The Gift of Time ( December 22, 2012 )

Time is of the essence so they say. While we have it, it seems abundant. When we don't, we wish to get all the lost back. It ends. It expires. It vanishes like any breath of life. And we can never, ever have it again. It is lost, and only imagined.

Today, I got a gift- a watch. I asked why. "You need more time", you said. I guess the only moment we can say it's never too late for us is when the clock stops ticking, time going off...the world not turning.

The Guy from Grade School ( December 21, 2012 )

He was a bully back in grade school. We didn't have any communication in high school or college. When I was working and was already in a relationship, he tried to court me. I didn't like him so I said it's not going to work out. After almost four years, we're back to saying hello to one another. Now, I don't want to be wrong, or to hurry too much. I'm just lonely and he's trying to be sweet..

If Tomorrow is the End ( December 20, 2012 )

I'm not a believer of the Mayan calendar, or Nostradamus's predictions, but tonight, I am feeling the urge to entertain the thought of the world ending tomorrow. Everyone has been talking about it, and for a long time I haven't really thought about it, until tonight. Before my baby came to my life, I wasn't so afraid to die. Now he's the reason I am living and the source of my fear for death and endings. But what if the end of the world is really tomorrow? What will I do? I look at my little boy playing so joyfully, smiling peacefully, a creature of pure beauty.. Then I shut the thought of endings and think of the life I'd love to spend with my son in more tomorrows.

Booziefied ( December 19, 2012 )

As expected, with my head bouncing in endless thoughts, my feet on the cold floor and my belly being filled with booze, I did what I've been so good at- I escape.

It's Okay... Not! ( December 18, 2012 )

Again, I am but uncertain, and clueless as to what phase I'm in. It's been a space shuttle ride- crazy fast, upside-down, head-banging and wit-vanishing. I no longer weep at night. I smile at myself sometimes. I'd like to think I'm fine. I'd like to believe it's okay. But at the end of every light, every whisper of goodnight and the far promise of tomorrow's sight, I know, and I feel that it's not Okay..

Vanilla Twilight ( December 17, 2012 )

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

***
I didn't know the song until you asked me to listen to it. You said it's how you feel, and that it's for me. After listening to the song, I felt the same. You are right. But we are wrong..

Refreshed ( December 16, 2012 )

Yesterday was certainly a refreshing day, out of the ordinary and rewarding.

First, I got reunited with my dear friends, talked, laughed, reminisced and shared our current drama and lessons learned. Old friendship refreshed is like wearing an old favorite dress, feeling relieved it still fits, perfectly.

Second, I was refreshed of reason. I am beginning to understand why things happened. And why it is really time that I learn.

Third, I was refreshed of my motherly responsibilities. I couldn't stand listening to my son who's crying crazy over the phone because I wasn't around. I was worried, and my parents kept on igniting the tension. I didn't enjoy myself completely during the wedding. I wanted to go home badly but I was miles away.

Finally, I was refreshed of hope. I just wish it was more solid, safer and more agreeable.

3 in 1 ( December 15, 2012 )

In just one day, three big things took me by surprise, and oh, well, horror and madness.

First, I've loosened up, gone crazy and tried to ignore it really happened. No one knows, anyway.

Second, I attended a beach wedding for the first time and was blown away by the love and beauty of the day and the couple. I still dream of a lovely wedding, and of course, a promise of true love.

Third, just like the grand and unforgettable days in college, I was scolded and mentally tortured by my parents all because they had to babysit for my son while I was away to attend that wedding. And it goes on, and on and right now, all I can do is understand, or at least try.

One Hour, or Less ( December 14, 2012 )

Tomorrow, I have an hour or less to free myself from the shackles of sanity, and to try to listen to the echoes of my tattered heart... You have to be there. You have to wait.. even if I'm not going to be there, even if it's never going to be easy..

The Big Why ( December 13, 2012 )

Just before midnight, I started watching "The Perks of being a Wallflower." Truly, it was humorous and heart-breaking at the same time. I smiled, laughed and cried for the most part. I remembered high school, and how I studied very much and enjoyed so little. Also, early in the movie, one of my biggest questions in life was answered briefly, and truthfully. The boy asked his professor why do nice people end up with the people who doesn't treat them right. The professor said, "We accept the love we think we deserve..". Then I realized more how much I settled, and just how I further do so. I have to think, and know, and believe that I deserve MORE.

Harmless Fun on 12.12.12 ( December 12, 2012 )

Last night, my parents were kind enough to share some booze. And I was insane enough to use it as an excuse to free the ferocious. I had fun, and it was sweet and safe. I played with three different flames, and didn't get burnt. The world must really be ending. I'm starting to breathe the fearless air. I'm beginning to sink, and my hang-over has never been this unkind and sincere.

Good Out Of Bad ( December 11, 2012 )

When you are depressed, stressed and feeling lonely and incapable, you tend to remember the person you care, or cared about, no matter how far he is or how much he broke you. And ironically, you skip the ugly details and linger on the beautiful ones. Somehow you know your limit. Somehow you feel the need to keep the balance. Instead of further wrecking your thoughts with bitter memories, you hold on to the blissful parts of the past because somehow it's a better place, than where you are right now... And it's good, and bad, at the same time.

A Test of Fire ( December 10, 2012 )

No I ain't gonna tell my best friend, not anyone, not now.. Not until I've finally outgrown and outrun this mad phase. I have to get out of this alive. And I have to do this on my own.

The Mighty Falls ( December 9, 2012 )

Today, a very sad and unfortunate event brought a lesson of all time. Philippines' greatest boxer, a world-class sports man and the highly respected and admired People's Champ has fallen. He was at his peak, all might and glory and was indestructible and phenomenal, but just like any ordinary man, he fought and he failed. And what makes him more human is his humility, his acceptance of a defeat deemed unbelievable by many. Like him, we rise, we fall and we crumble all hell to rise again.

The "T" Word ( December 8, 2012 )

I say the word "tired" maybe more than ten times a day, and the digit doubles when I'm extremely pissed or extra-stressed and hyper-depressed. Very unfortunate and most often, my son hears me say it. Sometimes, he gives me this all-knowing look and it's too late for me shift mood, or expression. So last night I made a promise to my son, and myself. I promised to lessen the use of the "T" word and to devote more time and patience raising my very active son. Because the more I say the phrase "I'm tired!", the more I feel it.

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire ( December 7, 2012 )

I have a very, very strong feeling that my father is, still, cheating on my mother. And I have very, very little tolerance for lying, scheming men. Yes, he's been a truly responsible man of our house, but an ungrateful and disloyal husband. And I feel deep pity and sadness for my mom.

My father woke me up maybe around three in the morning. He got drunk last night, and when he woke up, he realized he didn't have his mobile phone. He came to me to accuse me of hiding the phone, for mom and I was like struggling to get up, raving mad and ready to explode. He's definitely got something on that phone, and he even thought I'd sneak it to spy for mom. He's gone crazy.

This morning, the very minute my dad saw me, he apologized. He said he found the phone and that I need not to mention it to mom. What a coward? My suspicions are ever growing. And if this happens again, I am talking.

Queen of Panic ( December 6, 2012 )

Around 12:30am, as I was just starting to watch Spartacus, I heard my son cried and saw him scratching his stomach, face and armpit. I opened the light and was shocked to see red patches on his stomach, huge and embossed. They looked like ant bites. On his face and armpits were little red patches, too. In a wisp, the queen of panic rises once again. I felt my voice shaking as I try to awaken my boy. My eyes were teary and my chest pounding crazy. I held my boy and ran to my parents' house. I knocked hysterically on the door as my son cried even more. When my mom saw me, she tried to calm me down. She said it's alright and that we still have anti-histamine in the fridge in case it's an allergic reaction. Then she helped me give my son the medication. After that, we went home and it took about twenty more minutes before he's back to slumber. All I did was panic, and pray.

In the morning, mom went to our room, and bombarded me with lessons on calmness, grace and motherhood perils. Maybe next time I won't panic anymore. Just maybe..

Near or Far ( December 5, 2012 )

Last night as I gulped booze right off my favorite bottle, I felt depression tapping on my eager door of self-mutilation, again. I know I've had enough, quite a lot, actually. But I seemed to never run out of precious drama to deal and associate with. Then I got a text message from my best friend. I smiled, and laughed, and for a while, I felt insanely happy and solid. Oh, I miss them more- my crazy friends. Although I've been away from most of my friends for too long, they simply know when and how to get me up from my sunken thoughts. Thank you!

Light and Easy ( December 4, 2012 )

The day hasn't ended yet but I can say that it has been kind and gentle to me. My little boy, although very, very playful, has not thrown any crazy tantrum, so far. I've had good food. I got to watch my favorite show this afternoon. I'm done with my laundry, and I was able to finish my gift-wrapping duties for myself, and my sister. My heart kinda feels lighter. My mind is getting some peace. Maybe it's the magical Christmas breeze.

That Day ( December 3, 2012 )

In twenty days, it will be exactly one year since I found out you were cheating on me. I would never forget. That very ordinary day you accidentally sent a text message that was supposedly for her. It was the day I stopped trusting you. It was the very first time I ever doubted your love. It's almost a year now, and I'm still wondering where I am. That day that changed me. That day I couldn't change.

Last night, I wept carelessly. I remembered that day, all the pain I felt, the tears I couldn't shed, the gutless defeat, the silent screaming of my pride, and my heart so unwilling to beat. When I got weary of all the hysterical crying, I stopped and pictured myself moving on. That day will happen too. And it won't be so horrible to remember.

Fever-Free Sunday! ( December 2, 2012 )

Finally, I can now sleep with ease, and less drama. Thank you Lord for making my son well again. I take his every recovery and renewed strength Your miracles. My son is getting better, and so my life in general. It's December and I haven't shopped enough. So tomorrow, I'll hopefully check more names on my Christmas list and help my sister's list get started too. Tomorrow should be fun!

Fever and Decembers ( December 1, 2012 )

Stressed. Depressed. Exhausted. Dizzy. Ever Crazy. And I don't know why the first day of my favorite month won't cooperate. My son is still feverish and my baby sitter just decided to leave after two days of working for me. Really? Can this day get any worse?! December be nice. I mean no drama. I just want a little fun, and a lot of moving on.