Worthy of Doubt ( June 30, 2012 )

Today, an ex lover asked me a question, " Did you ever love me at all? " I didn't reply. Maybe because I didn't know what love was at the time we were together. Or maybe, I haven't really fully understood what love really is until this day. All I know is that I miss being in love.. And I might go desperate...

Farewell Paradise ( June 29, 2012 )

There's always not enough time to rest and have fun. Sadly, it is time to bid farewell to our favorite place. We'll be going back home, and reality will be activated again...

Face thy Fear ( June 28, 2012 )

Yes, I did. I faced one of my greatest fears- being underwater. My son is definitely the source of my strength and courage. Finally, I agreed to try helmet diving. It was so fun I forgot how scared I was. It was very liberating, and breath-taking. Next time, I'll try scuba diving.. Or maybe not. Haha!

Fun in the Sand ( June 27, 2012 )

Watching my little boy brave the waves, run crazy and bury his feet in the sand is happiness. And having shared this moment with my closest friends and my sister is just beyond what I asked for and expected. Thank you Lord. Although I didn't get to party hard, I still get to enjoy the early night. Happy hours with friends I haven't seen and talked to for so long is just the best way to catch up. Great day today!

Welcome to Paradise ( June 26, 2012 )

Finally, we our stiffened feet and restless hearts touched the white sand of our long-missed paradise. Our excitement turned to amazement. Our thrill turned to eagerness. And we all wish we can be young as the night..

Excited ( June 25, 2012 )

Tomorrow is the start of a four-day beach lovin' together with people so close to my heart. After three years, we are finally back..and this time is definitely better. Goodbye to stress, pain and all the bad vibes. All we need is good weather and safe trip! Thanks in advance Lord. We need this!

A Happy Day ( June 24, 2012 )

Today, I've seen my little boy jump, laugh and go crazy after seeing and feeding a school of koi fish. I've also watched him as he bounced and slid on a giant inflatable playground. His cheeks turned red as he tire and sweat himself from all the running, playing and the warm temperature. He had the biggest grin and the cutest giggle. For a moment, I forgot I was broken. I wish every day is a happy day like this.

30 Days ( June 23, 2012 )

I wish there's a 30-day notice to being broken. So I can prepare. It may not be enough, but a little warning might help.

I remember the day you broke my heart. I was in shock, in disbelief and in a whirlwind of emotions and questions. I blamed myself for not having any idea. I was clueless and very, very dumb-founded. I've never imagined being fooled by you. I trusted too much, believed you'd never let me fall apart.

But you did. And just as love does not come with guarantees, pain does not come with warnings. It will just hurt, whenever.

Dark Side ( June 22, 2012 )

In thoughts, my dark side has been active for days now. It is alarming. And very, very dragging. I think about her a lot. My pain and anger grows. I imagine the two of you together. I ache for a little justice. I still wish you both suffer. You deserve that.

But at the end of the day, I am just a sad girl trapped in a woman of anguish. I am weak, and I am praying..that the darkness in me ends.

Selective Remembering ( June 21, 2012 )

Unfortunately, I still couldn't ignore that today is the 21st. If only it went well, two months from now we would've celebrated our 3rd anniversary. And because it didn't, there is no reason to celebrate, and even remember. But I will. I still daydream about waking up next to you, with our son. I still reminisce how you took care of me when I was so pregnant and uneasy. You were there. We were inlove and unbreakable. We gather strength and hope from each other. We cried together. We fought together. And we believed we could get through, anything and everything. Today, that's all I want to remember.

Forget you not ( June 20, 2012 )

I wish there was a drug to make me forget you. I'd probably work as hard as hell to find it, and pay whatever the price is. I can't do this on my own. Everyday is like a trivia of us. I look at things, watch the world and keep up with time while I remember you. I cannot move on like this. I might need you to help me forget you. Will you?

Of Longing, Fantasies & Dark Endings ( June 19, 2012 )

I still miss you, and when I do, my thoughts succumb into a sea of longing and desire. I ache for your warmth and I crave for our clashing flesh. For a moment, I forget my pain. For a while, I feel you so close to me. Our then romance and passionate love-making being relived in my fantasies somehow heals my needs, makes it less difficult to suffer. You were my lover, the last I've ever been with. I would never forget how it felt to be one with you, to be your only desire. Then it all ends when I realize how you also did it with her..

A Little Big Change ( June 18, 2012 )

I know I'll never have my old life back - the reckless consumption of freedom, the dark days and their stories, the endless dreaming of exploration and the careless breaking of rules. But I also know that the new life I have now, the little boy I am spending my days and nights with, the little man who's so precious and care-free and so in love with me..is worth all the BIG changes that happened to me. Thank you Euwy..for changing me. I love you so much.

A Day for Fathers ( June 17, 2012 )

Again, because you are the father of my son, happy fathers' day to you. But really, this is my day. For almost two years now, I've been doing the job you can't do because you made that stupid mistake.

Nothing is impossible. I've learned to play basketball, load and fire toy guns and run crazy fast after a super hyper little boy who wants to play all day. Thank you Lord, for blessing me with physical strength and so much patience and courage. Raising a really playful and heavy-healthy boy won't be less difficult if not for Your divine guidance.

Happy fathers' day to me! And to my father, who's maybe ill-tempered most of the times but who's also responsible for saving me from an unlikely ending. I thank you I didn't end up with the man who broke my heart.

The Beauty of Silence ( June 16, 2012 )

If I say things again, I would hurt, absolutely and may regret. Silence has kept me still, less vulnerable and more strange. I love how it handles my inner peace and how it chooses to ignore my heart at war. I wish I can be like this forever. I want a me who doesn't have to say "No", a me who doesn't need to say, "I can forget" and a me who doesn't have to say, "Please, let me go.." I want a you who understands what I can't and won't say. It will be hell easier if we can just both shut up and move on.

But I will have to make an exception tomorrow. It is Fathers' day. And no matter how unworthy you maybe, you are still the father of my son.

Acceptance ( June 15, 2012 )

When you have been broken for so many times, have trusted and lost hope, acceptance becomes a gift. We think acceptance is our judgement, our responsibility, so we can finally move on. But the reality is that it's something we receive. It sets us free and makes us breathe. It allows us to forgive, and make amends. It conquers fear and sets the heart to heal. It is not just a process. It isn't a one time thing. Acceptance is a daily task, a gift we give to ourselves, EVERYday.

A Lesson on Maturity ( June 14, 2012 )

I studied too much in elementary and highschool. I had too much fun in college. I abused my freedom when I started working. I've met a lot of people in my lifetime. Some are good, and some had been remarkably bad. As a daughter, I've been cursed and scolded. I've ran away from home for several times now, and have gone back home over and again. I know that the only reason my parents stuck with me is because they love me so much. Now that I am a parent myself, I am really just beginning to mature, and learn from my mistakes. I am very lucky to have my family's full support, but if there's one person more mature than anyone else in our house, or anyone I know, I am so certain that it is my youngest sibling, my sister. Through the course of her life, I've seen her ability to handle her struggles gracefully, with much discipline and humility. She is no saint or angel, but she has the kindness that melts the heart. She understands so much and demands very little. She's selfless and reliable. She is exceptional.

Without any experience in motherhood, my sister managed to help me and guide me through my toughest, craziest times as a mommy newbie. She has always proven she can be a good mother to my son since day one. I am just so fortunate to have her. And now that she's about to embark on a new journey in her life, I will try not to be selfish by letting her go with a happy and wishful heart. May she find the happiness she deserves and may she continue to inspire others with her extraordinary maturity. Good luck and you will be missed. I love you to infinity and beyond.

Bawal muna umiyak. We have a month to party before you leave. Grabe, who's gonna clean my toilet na? Who's gonna help me clean my little boy's poop? Who's gonna keep my cabinet tidy? And who's gonna be my other half ( mama + yaya )? :p Hay..hehe..tawa muna for now :)

Happy & Sad ( June 13, 2012 )

Today, it was confirmed that on July 16th of this year, my dear sister will be leaving to work in Singapore. She's been waiting this for years now. She has tried applying many times, got rejected and applied again. Until everything worked for her. Yes, this is good news. I am happy for her, but I am also sad. We've practically lived together all our lives. We've been so used to each other and we've seen ourselves grow and mature. She's been the best sister to me, and a mother to my child, too. I just don't know how I will survive the next two years, or so, without her by my side. I will be paralysed...

Advice for Myself ( June 12, 2012 )

And because it's independence day, I will start freeing myself by giving advices I would have given to a friend going through the same shit I am into, if there's any..

First, begin with acceptance. Then you can truly forgive. Forgiving is not a one time thing. You gotta do it over and over again, when and when it's not necessary. Next is you move on and be better. There's just no other way. I'm a bit tipsy, and that's all for today.

Youth: Lost & Found ( June 11, 2011 )

I remembered my youth - a time when the clock stops when I want and moves crazy fast when I please. Not everything was nice. Neither it was all painful. But every moment was inspired by madness, and driven by curiosity, empowered by much eagerness. I felt I could change just about anything. And I wasn't threatened about getting old and weak. It all came too slow. I chose not to be dragged. My bones were perfect and my heart was scar-free. I healed like a hero, and fought like everything was my battle. I was young and unquestionable. It was fun, and horrible and it made me feel indestructible. The unfamiliar was exciting and fear was fuel. In youth, I was lost, and found.

Knowing vs Understanding ( June 10, 2012 )

Sometimes knowing is all you have, and not a choice. So it becomes enough, and okay. No, I am not settling. I am just where I am supposed to be when I can't ask for more. Sometimes, having less is fair. And satisfaction maybe, is just too much to hope for. So I don't push hard and try to understand. It's alright that I know.

Knowing is Enough ( June 9, 2012 )

This is the time that I can actually say that knowing is enough. Maybe because that is all I have, and all I could ask for. It's enough for me to know that you miss me, too.. And that I am still the one you love. For now, I need to know that..and for now, that's enough.

Silence Broken ( June 8, 2012 )

Just a night after I thanked you for your silence, here you are breaking every bit of it. It was a relief, honestly. But it was also inappropriate, unnerving and untimely. I wish you didn't and I'm thankful you did..

Silent Mode ( June 7, 2012 )

I don't exactly know what to say, but I feel I have to thank you. Thank you for the silence. Thank you for not answering my letter, except that sometimes I think you didn't actually receive it. I really appreciate the comfort of your silence. It makes it easier, lighter and less complicated and painful. I may not know how you feel or do, but I am certain that it's helping me. I just hope it's the same for you.

Without You ( June 6, 2012 )

I know we've been apart for so long now, and it may seem easy to live a life without you. It must be something that I've been used to. But it's not always like that...

Yes, by distance and situation, we were away from each others' reach. We haven't done things we used to do, and we haven't witnessed our own changes. But I was hopeful then, and very much in love. So even without you, I was with you. You were in a very safe, and very close place, my heart. Until you broke it.

Without you now, is so much different. It is full of pain, and longing. But it is also full of courage, and desire for strength. I must be ok without you. I must learn. I must believe that it's going to be better, and that I will be better ..without you.

Talk About Us ( June 5, 2012 )

I just realized..that every time I share my pain with someone I know and love, and who understands and cares, I am actually building my defense system. Instead of drowning myself in lonesome thoughts, my vision becomes clear. Instead of allowing myself a room to miss you, I effortlessly think about a future that's better, a life without you. Instead of entertaining thoughts of actually losing you, I just thank God I am not with you. I could be good again. I can be better. And it's amazing how sharing, and talking about us can bring so much positivity and faith. Thank God for great friends and a heart that's about to heal.

Desire for Danger ( June 4, 2012 )

When I was in college, I used to risk a lot. I risked not because I trust myself, but because there is so much thrill in knowing the danger of the unknown. I was fearless and reckless. I am back to being like that now, only, I am not risking.

I have trust issues with myself. I oftentimes do not trust what I feel. I am almost eternally doubtful. Today, I lost that. I feel very certain that I am missing you so much. And this has got to end..I know this danger, very well. I can't risk. Never.

Home Again ( June 3, 2012 )

Yes, we're finally home after our Baguio trip. Thank God we had a safe trip and great time despite the heavy rain.

But it's still raining on me. Tonight, I am missing you so. I still wish we would end up together. I just don't have the faith and the courage to make it happen. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you still think about me, and us. I wish.

Another Getaway ( June 2, 2012 )

I wish moving on and starting over is just as easy as planning and executing a summer getaway. Last week we conquered Zambales. Today, we are on the way to the summer capital of our country. Just as I am about to condition myself to break free from ugly thoughts, the rain pour heavily. And again, I am weak with the drops.

Shadow of Her ( June 1, 2012 )

Tonight, I had an ugly blast from the past. I also imagined things that have hurt me. I realized how much I feared her, how much I blamed her and how I managed to live fighting her shadow. I am just so tired. I couldn't cry enough. I want this journey to end so bad.