Loudest Silence ( July 31, 2012 )

I can't be as cold as ice, and keep up with the call of silence. My heart can't go hard and numb, and I can't be the person most people would expect me to be, after all the pain I've been put to. It's been crazy tough, but I don't have enough strength to ignore you when you asked about our son. Somehow, I felt obliged to reply. I really don't understand why. Maybe as a parent, I don't want you to worry. You have so much guilt going. I couldn't add more, although half of my brain says you deserve a lot more.

I replied by saying, " Euwy's ok.." Nothing more. You sent me another message. And I finally found the perfect cue to ignore you. I wanted to ask more. I wanted to know more. But silence was like a siren wailing in my head. It screamed of all the hurt and madness. Suddenly I feel cold, and numb and hopeless.

Time. Changes. Chances ( July 30, 2012 )

Does everyone deserve a second chance? I would like to believe that everyone does, but I am feeling otherwise. Charge it to personal experience. People have different reasons. Time is not always willing. And changes are as unpredictable as the weather. I've pushed my luck. Things are just never the same.

Yes, there isn't always a tomorrow, and the term "next time" isn't available to everyone. Chances are limited, and choices are made everyday. I would like to be that person who can love and forgive, and trust again. But I can't be that person when I am still hurting.

I do not have the strength to give you another chance, yet. And I can only hope that there is a tomorrow left for us. Let's just wait and take our chances.

21 Firsts ( July 29, 2012 )

Today is my little boy's 21st month. It's ironic how I never realized it until I got a message from his dad this morning. I'm glad he remembered. I didn't reply. It was enough to just know. Silence is now my favorite accessory.

Every day, every month, for twenty one months, I am blessed with the miracle of being embraced by so much love and beauty emanating from my son. Everyday is a crazy and wonderful first time. I am thankful to have witnessed him grow and change in so many adorable ways. And I am looking forward for more. I love you Euwy! Happy 21st!

Saturday's Best! ( July 28, 2012 )

The long wait's over. Finally, I am reunited with two of the best girls in my life! We celebrated with a bottle of mojito, seven bottles of beer, a feast of foodie and so many stories. We remembered the forgotten, plunged into the future and revisited our today. We wished we could do it forever. Truly, our past made us who we are today, and it's amazing how after the blast of changes, the horrible schedules and the distance apart, we are still unbreakable.

Of Boredom & Desperation ( July 27, 2012 )

I hope it's not happening again. I've been hurt. I am broken. I am sad. I am very,very lonely. And when I'm done with the all the chores, and my son is finally put to sleep, my loneliness grows and I'm suddenly a target of boredom.

When I was younger, when I used to date and party, a night without anything to do becomes an instant invitation to desperation. My friends and I would scan our phone books. We would text our past lovers, new-found friends or anyone we know who's attractive enough to get drunk and crazy with. It was fun, and exciting and dangerous. We were too young to be scared, and be bored. So we tried, and exhausted all our options.

Now that everything has gotten old and messy, I cannot let boredom get the worst out of me. I have to be extra cautious. I am not young anymore. And desperation shouldn't and couldn't be an option. I badly hope so.

The Power of Writing ( July 26, 2012 )

In less than a week, I will be posting my 200th blog - that's 200 days of healing through writing. I never realized that blogging will be my therapy until I felt ease in reading my old blogs and found liberty and sense of hope creating new ones. I wish to write more, and be better at it. I am thankful to have been given the gift of writing, and the chance to express my love, pain and passion for life through it.

All-set on Sat ( July 25, 2012 )

On Saturday, 28th of July 2012, three of my best buddies will be spending the night at my crib. Finally. We used to live together in Makati. We shared one roof, one bed and almost anything we could. We were a family. That's why it was tough to be away from them for a very long time. On Saturday, we will rebuild our beautiful past. We will reunite and share, and catch up and be not afraid to be our old selves. This is so exciting!

Hopeless and Strong ( July 24, 2012 )

With everything that has happened, and with all the consequences and more ugly truths I am struggling to face, yes, I have hit the bottom of hopelessness. But I can't allow weakness to swallow me whole. The reason why I am still here, remembering and forgetting, losing and fighting some more, is because I am strong. I have never been this strong. And yes, that's because being strong is my only option.

Uncertainly Unafraid ( July 23, 2012 )

Now that I am officially worry-free about my son's health condition, I am back to feeling sick about the crazy text message she sent me. I want to understand why I went furious. Was I just in defense of my little boy? Or was I just offended myself? She said things that ignited my hatred again. But she also said things that somehow justified that I was the chosen one. And because of that, I am only half-afraid now. But I have grown more uncertain. I have got to move forward, faster now.

Thankful Smile ( July 22, 2012 )

After what seemed the longest three nights of my life, all the worrying and the heavy heart, I am finally rewarded with this biggie smile. I missed this. Thank you God for making him feel better again. I love you so much!

Cold Shower ( July 21, 2012 )

I had to stay focused. I had to control the heavy breathing, the loud thumping of my heart and the burning of my restless nerves. I had to brave the cold shower as I hear the angry rain pouring. I am almost okay.

After reading her message, I felt like a book that has been critiqued after a few flips on the pages. She is out of her mind. She cannot hurt me more. So I fought.

Today, I braved the cold shower. Today, I gave what she's asking for. The world is never fair. But I am not to blame.

Groggy and Worried ( July 20, 2012 )

At around 2am today, I felt the heat on my little boy's face as he lean to embrace me. He's feeling cold. I touched his neck, arms and legs and got up to grab the thermometer. I am right. It's my greatest enemy again - fever. This is going to be a long, sleepless, stressful and exhausting day, again. God, make my son well.

Good Distraction ( July 19, 2012 )

God is just so amazing. He gave me a distraction I never expected, but is so working out perfectly. Because I am missing my sister so much, and I have been so occupied with additional chores at home, the time I've been growling thinking about you has been trimmed. I can say that I'm only a quarter crazy about you. And maybe sooner, won't be. Thanks to you sister.. And God who is so much greater than any kind of happiness and sadness.

Life's Many Shocks ( July 18, 2012 )

Today, I got a message from one of my closest girlfriends. She asked for prayers for her partner who's currently in a critical condition, being admitted in the intensive care unit of a hospital. I replied and asked what happened. Her response made my jaw drop and my heart beat raise. She said he's gone.

I am not friends with her partner, but I have known him from work. He doesn't drink so much. He doesn't smoke. He plays basketball a lot. And he physically looks healthy. So it was a major shock. He was my age, or maybe younger, and my friend just gave birth to their son about three months ago. There's just so much to live for, but so little time given. This is a heart breaking news. I am praying for my friend's recovery. And to her partner, may you rest in peace.

Kisses ( July 17, 2012 )

Everyday, God is revealing His gifts. At times, I maybe feeling sad and low. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Other times, I just feel like breaking down. Suddenly, He gives me awareness of the miracle I already have. A few minutes ago, just as I was thinking of my sister who l am missing so much, my little boy came up to me and showered me with sweet kisses. Thank you Lord. You're the best.

Full-Time ( July 16, 2012 )

Today feels like the first day I truly become a full-time mom. For almost two years now, I have always shared the role, the responsibilities, the drama, the heart, sweat and tears, of motherhood, and fatherhood, with my other half, my dear sister. Today, she left to face a new journey, and won't be around for a long time. But I know that distance and time apart will bless us with more strength, faith and love. May you find success and happiness. We are so proud of you. We love and miss you so much!

She's Leaving ( July 15, 2012 )

In less than three hours, my dear sister is going to leave, and this will be the longest time she'll be living away from home, and away from me and my kid. I really wish her well. And I will always pray that she'd make it through and that she wouldn't be as sad as we are. All the best for best sister in the world.

My Sister's Despedida ( July 14, 2012 )

Though it is time to celebrate, I still have a weak feeling in my tummy, probably the same thing I felt the first time I drove my car. No doubt I was crazy scared, but I was also feeling twisted. Except I am not thrilled. It's a roller coaster of emotions. I am very happy for my sister. I know this is what she wants now. But I am also sad. I just hope there's a way to make things easier now that she won't be around.

Friday the 13th ( July 13, 2012 )

This has to be my lucky day. I have never associated friday the 13th with any kind of misfortune. I feel exactly the opposite. Maybe because I am twisted. Or maybe, I am trying to find a way out, a day out of the ordinary- a day I am not wrong or mistaken.

Standards ( July 12, 2012 )

One of my closest friends told me, and have always been telling me, that I am superficial. Well, I used to be, she added. I used to set standards. I want a man who's either smart, or good-looking. Someone who's either super interesting or dashing. My friend still couldn't imagine the reality that I am still in love with the man who broke me, who's also someone that never met any of my standards. She's still surprised, and wanted so bad to wake me up from my insanity. I hope she can..

Today ( July 11, 2012 )

Today, I am not hurt, or broken. I am not bruised. I am not bleeding. Today, pain is just an elaborate illusion. Mistakes are forgiven. And damages are forgotten. Today, I am okay. I am free of angst or bitter memories. I am capable. I have finally let go.

Today, I am wishful. Today, I am just dreaming.

Elements of the Broken ( July 10, 2012 )

Did you wish for the moon to cease glaring at the dark?
For the stars to outshine the immortal shimmering of my tears?
The clouds have shifted their colours and left a famished sky..
The rain fell and drained heaven of all angels.

In tatters of petals dancing gracefully on the wind's palm,
In whirling silence of the calm waves,
Did you dream I had the voice of a siren?
And my mouth tasted of the finest fruits of earth?

Under the shade and gaze of a playful tree,
I waited for the sun to seek and seduce me..
The gods are watching, weeping as the music falls,
The echoes so eternal, the beauty worth your soul.

Missed ( July 9, 2012 )

You missed our little boy's first smile. You missed waking up at least three times at night, to feed and calm him, or change his diaper. You didn't get the chance to decide which veggie or fruit to mash the moment he started on solids. You missed holding both his hands as he try to walk for the first time. You didn't see him run and trip, and run again. You missed the messy ice cream and chocolate-eating. You didn't catch his first word, or how he started pouting before bursting to tears. You missed the crazy, sleepless nights trying to make him feel better because he has fever, or he's in discomfort with a bad tummy or clogged nose. You missed the tantrums, the circus of feeding and the drama of putting him to slumber. You missed the beautiful mornings of waking up beside him, and the blissful nights or afternoons just watching him sleep. You missed days and nights, and almost two years of his laughter and tears.

You can never take it back. You can never make it happen again. Clock's ticking and everyday he is changing, growing beautifully, changing my life, too. You missed that. Too bad, you missed that. And whatever you do, or no matter what comes or who you become, you can and will never have it back.

Scrappy Tears ( July 8, 2012 )

Tonight I am sleeping really late not because I have so much to watch, eat or drink, but because I need to take this chance to finish the scrap book I'm making for my sister. Since she loves pictures and quotations, I got them all on this book. I know she would like this.. And it's definitely gonna make her cry. I want to cry now. I barely have seven days to be with her...

Under the Same Light ( July 7, 2012 )

Finally, after years of toxic-free friendship and happenings, I get to see her and drink with her again. When things change, and people grow old and catching up is all you have between now and then, that's when you realize that three bottles is more than enough to share the laughter and tears of all the missed years. Thanks so much Anna..

A Decade of Clumsiness ( July 6, 2012 )

Ten years ago, I fell in love for the very first time. Looking back, I can smile, and laugh now. It was crazy, and fun, and very, very young. Back then, I thought and felt I could do anything for love. I was fearless and reckless, and even the smallest thing he did was heavily romantic for me. I was naïve, and unbelievable. I could break walls, kiss the clouds and touch the wind. Even at enormous knock of pain, I stood and stayed in love. I was hopeless, and overly romantic. I was seventeen, and I thought I knew everything about love. Maybe I did.

And so the years went by. I got old, and messy. I rushed romance, played games, and blamed time for all my pain. I fell in love time and again, and lost all the same. I always thought I learned, but really didn't. Until it all came so bitter and painful. Maybe this time, I will learn. After all, a decade of clumsy love should be enough for things to be right..or maybe not. I just don't want to fall, and trip and never want to love at all.

Countdown ( July 5, 2012 )

Although I totally hate having to count days before my sister leave, I just can't help but do it. I want to be reminded of the very little time I have before it's time to say goodbye. I feel bad about it. But I have to accept it. And the best option I have is to make the remaining days worth remembering...

Eleven ( July 4, 2012 )

I haven't fully absorbed the reality, that in eleven days, my sister will be leaving. Sadness is just so hard to anticipate. I want to be strong for her. I want to make her feel that everything's going to be okay.. But she has always been my strength..and the reason why I feel okay..

Unknown ( July 3, 2012 )

What do I want to know? Or are there things I chose not to know? If I had a better understanding, if things were easier and if only I am not trapped in my past, I hope to know things..and maybe understand them.

I want to know if I am still the one. I want to know if you still think of me all the time. I want to know if you've really let her go. I want to know if she knows..

Fallen ( July 2, 2012 )

I'd try very hard, and some more..
To bury my tears, and pretend a little more.
To trace infinite circles on our sky of absolute endings,
To steal some light from every fairy tale's beginnings.

I couldn't count the drops that fall and didn't.
I couldn't bend and break and be even.
I couldn't keep up with the beat that's been broken,
And dance with you in a music of the fallen.

Self Betrayal ( July 1, 2012 )

It's already the first of July, and still I couldn't find the light towards new beginnings. I am just not moving. I am not helping myself. And I feel that all these times I am just betraying myself. I should be pushing some more. I should try harder.. But instead, I am still drowning myself in memories of you.