2 more to 2 ( August 29, 2012 )

In exactly two months, my little boy is turning two years old. Time really moves crazy fast, and changes are both rough and rewarding. Every day is a new day, and although I haven't adjusted yet, I already feel proud of the littlest accomplishments I've made each passing day. I am not perfect, but I've always tried my best. I've been changed by love, and motherhood. I've been changed by you, baby.

My love, I am sorry for the times I get tired and end up being mad at you. I don't want to be the kind of mother who scolds and hits, and just turns into a monster when put into stress and depression. I am deeply afraid I'm becoming one. So please forgive me and trust that I will find a better way to deal with my issues. I will try to be more patient, more loving and more of everything to be the best mother for you. I love you so, so much. With God's guidance, we will get through everything baby.

To my first love, my one true love, the love of my life.. My most beloved man, happy 22nd month Euwy!I know I'll never love this way again.. I love you forever baby!

Feel Good Moves ( August 28, 2012 )

Today I tried another fitness program. This time it's Hip Hop Abs. And I'm glad I enjoyed it. I like it better than Taebo. It's easier and more fun. It felt good as I tried to bounce with the beat of the hip hop music and sweat all the heaviness away. I feel lighter. I feel healthier. I want to stick to this program and be consistent and serious about this. And I hope to use this as one of my steps to move on.. Oh, well..

Brother's Day ( August 27, 2012 )

Today is my brother's 28th birthday. Last year, we weren't in good terms so it was all weird and sad. I am forever thankful for that one night we all decided to talk and reconcile. I am glad things are so much better now. No matter how naturally bully, crazy and rude my brother is, I am still grateful to have him back.

Last night, we had an early drinking spree to celebrate. I had so much fun! I missed drinking with my brother and his friends. For a while, I felt young and somehow free. I was freed from stress, and everyday pain. I was really, really happy.

We also had lunch today at our favorite place, Claw Daddy. It was a celebration of life and of the blessings we are fortunate to have. Thank you Lord! Happy birthday Turon! Much love!

NR ( August 26, 2012 )

I would like to be saved by silence, again. I've had the smartest, most acceptable moves, by merely not responding. It's safe. It's easier. It ends an ugly introduction. It relaxes the crazy mind and comforts the itchy mouth. It is simple. It is a cure.

Tonight, I couldn't use silence. It's just too much when I already had a lot. So with a little help from my friendly booze, I replied...

Pop Stop ( August 25, 2012 )

Today, I snapped.. No, not "snapped". I "popped". My father's crazy temper got the worst of me. My head couldn't scream anymore, so I had to open my mouth and carefully release my flaming tongue. I know it was rude, but it made me feel half relieved. He always has a way of making me feel I'm a totally bad person. He makes me feel like I deserve to suffer. So I cried, and wished he knew me better.

Work it! ( August 24, 2012 )

Yesterday, while I was feeling light and changed, liberated from most of my bitter thoughts and angst, I did my first weigh in. And I was so damn frustrated! After cutting down on my rice-intake for almost two weeks, I didn't lose a single freaking pound! Should I be thankful I didn't gain any?! There's not even a slight change after all the effort I made! I'm starting to go hopeless. Urgh..

But I am not giving up. So this afternoon, I downloaded fitness program videos. From Taebo, to Hiphop abs to Zumba dance. If I can't lose weight by merely avoiding too much carbs then I must burn some calories by working out. I got to try taebo before dinner time today. I am glad I enjoyed it. Now I am looking forward to trying the two other programs. I must, I must... WORK OUT!

After Seven Bottles ( August 23, 2012 )

So I used my dear booze, again. Thank you for the bitter sweet liberation. I purposely went over my limit. I was prepared to go crazy, and dark. I've been silent for too long. I tried.

When I woke up today, my head willingly ignored the hang-over and floated for a while. As usual, drunk messages were successfully sent . I know that. I remember doing that. But I wanted to grab my phone right away just to see how truthful and offensive I was last night. I was itching to read the exact text, the weight of the words I used, and the rate of anguish and pain in every line.

I was typing damn fast last night. My thoughts were so loud and not filtered. I meant everything I said. And yes, I meant to hurt you.

End of 21st ( August 22, 2012 )

Just so glad that 21st is over..and that I've got my fave bottle, can of piknik..and a cellphone that can't text or call..update or email...

This afternoon, I was surprised to see an email from you. You wrote it last night, on our supposedly-third-year-anniversary. You are letting me go. You are finally giving me the freedom to love again..to get what I deserve..and so. I almost cried. Almost. But then, I realized it's too late to do that. Oh well, let's just move on.

Today is also my mother's 55th birthday. So to my Mommy Sansu, happy, happy birthday. After all the mistakes I've made, all the changes I've been through, all the loving and the arguing, I still, and will always believe that you raised me so damn well. Thank you so much for loving me, and my little boy unconditionally. We love you so much, too. You are one of the reasons I am struggling to become the best mother for my son. Let's drink to that!

One, Two...STOP. ( August 21, 2012 )

Seriously, I have to stop counting. We had a first, and a second.. But we certainly do not have a third. Anniversaries don't happen when it's over. This is just bitter remembering and sulking, and a total waste of my time. There's been so much delay in my moving on. I have been trapped too long. Today, is a perfect day to start over. Every day is. And tonight, I will give it a try. Again.

"This has to go.." ( August 20, 2012 )

Every time we used to do our almost quarterly general cleaning in our apartment in Makati, my friend and I, while holding something that we think must be eliminated ( either because it is too old, or long unused and obsolete ), would say with a heavy breath, "This has to go.." And then we let go, put it in the trash bag, smile and never look back.

I wish I can do the same with my burden, and my pain. They really have to go. They are unwanted, heavy and long overdue. I have to put them to trash and be ready for tomorrow. Yes, I wish to lose them all..tomorrow.

In Vino Veritas ( August 19, 2012 )

I've been crying for several nights now, but last night, the bloody wine triggered more tears, and more reasons, to drink, and burst again. And it's so much better! Truthfully, I drown and cried.. and felt so good.

Last night, I cried not because I'm in excruciating pain again. I cried to celebrate. I cried happy and thankful tears. I know I am still miserable, but I am also undeniably blessed.

To my sister-in-law, thank you so much for putting a smile in my heart. I am glad we're okay now and that we've made closer by time and changes. Let's stick together.

To my sister who I miss so much, thank you for always saying the right words. Thanks for inspiring me to become better, and for healing my constantly troubled mind. I love you and I will see you soon.

To my little boy, thank you so much for coming into my life. Thank you for changing me. You are the love of my life, forever. I am so blessed to be able to kiss you and hug you all I want, and just whenever. You are my hero.

To the rest of my family, thank you for not giving up and never letting go. God loves me so much to let me have you. Let's keep the bond and stay in the love of God.

Finally, thank You. I love You, too.

Don't let me say it.. ( August 18, 2012 )

I hope you don't text me again. I don't want you asking how our son is doing. I just don't want you talking. You're so full of shit. And I am so done enduring it!

Please don't let me say it. Don't push me. Keep your mouth shut and your thoughts to yourself, so you won't regret ever asking. I've reached my crazy limit. I can no longer bend. I'm tattered and exhausted. I am so grossed by you and I'm certain you'd wish you burn in sweet hell than to hear what I had to say. So don't wait for it.

If I say our son is okay, would that ease your overwhelming guilt and save you from a little fatherhood shame? Why would I present you such pleasure? And if I say he's not okay? Is there anything you can do?! You haven't really played your role for almost two years! And you've never really changed.

I really don't know how you do it. It breaks my heart and it shatters all the tiny hope left when I realize how you are able to carry on with your life while abandoning our son, the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me, and the love of my life. You are dead STUPID. You do not deserve my son. You do not deserve us. There..I said it.

Block ( August 17, 2012 )

I don't know if it's the throbbing headache I'm suffering, or if it's the nerve and sense I lost when my son had a little accident this morning. I can't explain why everything suddenly went blank. I don't know what's keeping me from writing my thoughts. I'm at lost for the right words. My head is pounding crazy and I don't know if I am just thinking too hard or if I'm just running away from any sensible thought. I gotta fight this. Writing must save me..every day, at least until the end of this year.

A Lesson from the Little One ( August 16, 2012 )

Love. Patience. Understanding. Faith. Hope. Trust. Adaptability. Hard work. Responsibility. Discipline. Respect. Creativity. Consistency. Silence. Sanity. More love. More patience. More understanding. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Truth. Happiness. And so much more...

Of all the lessons I've known, learned and hardly ever lived by, the best, the heaviest and the most life-changing kind, came from my little boy. And he's barely two years old. Motherhood is indeed a boundless learning process, and a whole lot of beautiful mess. I am extremely challenged, and overly blessed. Thank God I'm a Mother!

Gift of Sanity ( August 15, 2012 )

It is still raining, and I still get lonely most of the times. But I've been managing my sanity quite gracefully these days. Whatever God is doing to me, it is working. So, thank You..so much.

There's just enough silence. I had been talking too much. Now, I am just breathing, carefully. I am no longer rushing for answers. I've memorized all the questions. I can wait. I have all the time to outsmart my pretty dumb and reckless heart. I am starting to feel safer, without you, without any hope of you. And I hope this will grow in me. All I want is to feel better, without you.

Half a Man ( August 14, 2011 )

I don't know how you do it. How you made two sons and never really become a real man. Not even half. And I've momentarily forgotten who you really are.

How do you keep up? How do you manage your creepy sanity? How do you come out alive after all this? How do you maintain your circus of bullshits?

Do you feel anymore guilt? Or are you just a stranger in your own belief? How does regret treat you? Are you sulking enough?

I could no longer drown with you in your ocean of bitter forlorness. I couldn't run around in circles of chances and foolish promises. I could not stand believing in your concept of love, and destruction. I am done forgiving. I've been pretty obsessed with forgetting.

You used to be my man, until it's all cold fairy tale and a series of nightmares. You had a choice but you were not a man to take it. You are NOT a man. Not even half.

Nightly Might ( August 13, 2012 )

I will stay up, curled under the blanket of your scent,
With my eyes wide shut and my head bent..
I will whisper your name, over until this ends,
And wish in the dark that none of us can sense.

If I wait, do not come.
If I beg, turn around.
If I leave, push me farther.

If I fall into tears, watch me suffer.

I will take the moon to slumber,
And draw stars on my calloused heart..
I will defy delirium,
And save a little wrath.

Grumpy Aging ( August 12, 2012 )

One of my best friends turned thirty last June 16, 2012. I turned twenty-nine last January. We both realized something. We have become grumpy as we reach our current ages. That's how we see it now. But maybe, other factors might have also triggered our lack of patience and almost consistent annoyance. We've been under intense stress and pressure lately. She, being so alone and single, and I, in my single parenthood. We both desire to have something that we haven't felt for a long time now- contentment. We've lost our hopes. We've run out of spark. We've gone tired and very, very irritable. We both wish we can get through this, grow up and not just grow old.

Wake Up Weigh In ( August 11, 2012 )

So I've been cutting on my rice intake for three days now but I only got to do my weigh in this morning. It was a whopping 141 lbs! I know I am tall and that somehow I am still in the right proportion, but I've never really felt and seen myself this heavy. Tomorrow, I need to check whether I'm overweight or not. But certainly, I will push through with my diet. There's so much to do. I have to stay focused..and serious. This is alarming.

Back to Bright ( August 10, 2012 )

Last night, I felt like I've seen the stars for the first time. I opened the window in my room and was suddenly mesmerized by the tiny dots that glittered in the dark. The rain has finally stopped pouring after two weeks. I've also seen the bright skies and dry streets yesterday afternoon. Thank you Lord.

And now, let me say hello to Mr. Golden Sun.. Thank you for shining on us..again. I've missed you. Make me feel better, bright and sun-shiny again, okay? We've got some serious work to do.

Breaking Habits ( August 9, 2012 )

When I was at the peak of my drinking, I couldn't imagine a week without alcohol. I loved booze too much. I had so much fun. I enjoyed being drunk and never really hated hangovers. I was a smoker, too. Drinking and smoking were a perfect match. Until I got pregnant. Thanks to Biology, my body willingly adjusted and cooperated with the changes and breaking of habits. I suddenly hated the smell of cigarette and no longer craved for bitter sweet treats. I had a very important goal- keep myself healthy for my baby. And I succeeded.

Today, I have a new goal. I want to look and feel good. In order to accomplish that, I have to start by living healthy. I am not yet obese. I maybe a little overweight. I am not overly fat. In fact, some say I'm in good shape. But I am feeling heavy these past few months. I've gained weight after giving birth. After half a year of single parenthood, I was able to lose weight. Now that my little boy can actually walk and play on his own, my job has been made slightly easier. So lately, I've spent my wee time on food and internet. Because of that, I am getting fat.

Last night, I decided to deal with an issue I haven't been paying attention to. I've been so caught up feeling lonely and hopeless that I haven't seriously taken time to examine how my bulges seemed to have thickened every day as I watch myself on the mirror. So I did, and it was my wake up call.

Now I have to break another habit, and this time, for myself. I want to consider this as another way to move on and start over. And I decided to it gradually. First, I'm going to cut on carbs. So for breakfast today, I lessen my rice-intake. At lunch, I only had maybe two tablespoons of rice, chicken and mostly veggies. For dinner, I had three tablespoons of rice, some meat and some slices of potatoes. I have to stay on track.

Tomorrow, I plan to do a weigh-in. And that should be my starting mark. Hopefully, I can keep up with this as I did when I was breaking habits for the love of my son. I can do this!

Rain-Sick ( August 8, 2012 )

Because it's been raining crazy for more than a week now and I've been hopeless lonely and fatally needy, I stepped out from my dry and desolate denial and got in touch with you again. I felt uneasy about it but I gave me some sort of relief. I've missed you. And I'm glad I didn't feel so desperate about it. I am still not ready to see you. For now, I'd have to settle with text and chat messages. It's safer. It's better..than nothing.

Rain, rain.. Please don't stay ( August 7, 2012 )

I love the rain, don't get me wrong. But it's been raining for nine days now and so many homes and lives have been lost and put to great risk. Tonight, I am offering my prayer for those who are greatly affected by the heaviest rainfall in the history of the country. Lord, please calm the weather and save those who are in need. Please heal our land.

Cure for Envy ( August 6, 2012 )

I wish there's a quick cure for envy. It almost killed me today. I spent the day shivering not at the stroke of cold weather, but at the thought of happy couples I know. I wondered very hard. I sought for reasons. I searched for every valid excuse. I analyzed. I made assumptions, created stories in my head. Why do they look happy? How were they able to stick together? Don't I deserve such state? Am I the only one feeling this envious? I felt more horrible. I couldn't stand this craze. Somehow, I know that the only cure for envy, the only thing that should be worth all this mad waiting, is also the reason for it - Happiness. So I wait...

Truthfully ( August 5, 2012 )

Without a pinch of doubt, or a single foresight of regret, I poured a cup of truth and washed out the bitter, filthy denial. It wasn't easy, but I was surprised that it wasn't so hard. I must have really learned a lot. It felt so liberating, too.


Today, I chose the inevitable truth. I laid my cards like I was built for the game. I rolled the dice like I was unashamed to fight. And I didn't feel wrong about it.

A Wake To Remember ( August 4, 2012 )

Today, I went to the wake of my friend's father, who's also the father of my ex - the boyfriend I had for two years, and the one before the father of my son. I didn't know what to expect. I just know it would be fairly awkward.

After the very liberating, feels-like-the-first-time trip from our house to the big city, my stomach was still feeling cold and petrified. When I entered the then familiar mall, I rushed to the nearest rest room and dwelt my not so precious time looking at the mirror, occasionally flipping my curls and turning around to examine my newly shaved legs. I was wearing a fitted blue polo shirt and skimpy denim shorts. I didn't care if it was inappropriate. I just felt good wearing them. And somehow I had this goal to look, and feel good.

So we got there. I was surprised by the warmth of the family I used to have. This is my ex boyfriend's family, and after almost four years of non-existence in their lives, they still shared this sweet and welcoming presence to me. It was genuine. Some of them even teased me. Suddenly, it wasn't so awkward.

I was still a bit nervous. But I handled it pretty well, maybe. I didn't faint. I didn't falter. I didn't walk out. Thanks to your adorable family Rej. They've made this challenge a little too delightful.

To Papa Domz, you are a good man. I admire how you loved Mama Lani and how you raised your children to become good people. I feel so honored and blessed to have had the chance to be part of your family. You will be definitely missed.

Shades of Bloody Blue ( August 3, 2012 )

How am I holding up today? Two of the most brilliant people I know asked me. Well, it's not sparkling deep red. It's not dull and weary gray. I can't say it's all famished and demented blue. Well, it is still blue. But it's thick. It's bloody, and fiercely blurry. It's silence is scheming, and it's lightness lurks. They must know what I mean. I hope I do, too.

The Lost of Goodbye ( August 2, 2012 )

Life is indeed short. We never know when our time really comes. Sometimes it warns us. But most often, it takes us by crazy surprise. Today, my friend sent me a message. She lost her father last night, and didn't get to say goodbye. She's beyond devastated. I wouldn't know what to do if I were in her shoes.

I'm a coward at goodbyes. But what if goodbye is the only thing I have between now and never? Would that make me instantly strong? Would it make a difference?

First of August ( August 1, 2012 )

I have always loved first days of the month. It signals fresh start. It invites new beginnings. It renews forgotten hopes, and builds chances for new challenges. Everything is like made perfect, and welcoming. For me, however, this month is an exception.

It was August when I fell for you. Our love was like the rainfall on this month, overflowing and very intense. We loved and lived in our faith for each other. We changed each others' lives. Being apart never crossed our minds.

Three years ago, on August 21st 2009, we became a couple. We were both happy and dreaming. But on August 2011, you became my nightmare.