Pain, Pain.. Go Away.. ( January 31, 2012 )

Everytime I show Euwy that I am mad because he did something wrong,he would give me the little cute sad face,point to my chest while saying "Mama" over and over again,then climb up to face and kiss me until I say,"Mama's not mad anymore. I love you too baby.."

Yes,I've had a pretty insane and horrible love history. I've been in and out of the most damaging relationships and was fortunately healed by time every now and then. At present, everything is still looking and feeling painful to me. And yes I am terribly broken..and mad..but when my little boy does what he always do, for a moment..in that instant..the pain goes off and I am the happiest woman alive..again. I gave birth to my own painkiller. I love you so much Euwy.. Thank you.

Waiting for Forever ( January 30, 2012 )

There isn't forever, right? And who would want to wait for that? It's just not gonna happen... and he just won't keep on waiting.

Last night, he was honest enough to tell me he's not gonna wait for me forever. He will wait, but only for as long as he can. He has a veritably terrible patience, and he knows that. And he believes that time changes everything, even love.

I called a "cease fire" last night. I was going so crazy emotional so I said "Let's take a break and not communicate for a while.." Even that is all I have.. or all I would ever have.

Let's Talk About.... ( January 29, 2012 )

I am having a very intense physical longing for him. That's why I miss him so..and I feel like I am more in love with him. I really hope that's just the reason. Otherwise, I am so screwed..figuratively.

"So what happens next after you have forgiven?", I asked my friend. She said, "You let go, you move on and may be find another to make you happier." I said, "Can I skip some steps?" She said, "No.." Damn, I am so so screwed.

All I think of everyday is how to be ready for him..again. Because of more complicated complications, the crazier setup and the horrible scenarios... I must think......and stop talking about sex. Really.

Beautifully Bruised ( January 28, 2012 )

I am in love again.. and I'm afraid this kind is greater, stronger.. and full of shit and risks.

I am hoping so much that this is just a terrible phase.

Piece by Piece ( January 27, 2012 )

I feel vulnerable today. My heart is totally broken but it seems so willing and..welcoming to be healed..this soon...

I am so scared.

I am hurting but I can't stop believing in promises.

I am hopeless but I can't stop listening to my dreams.

I am weak but I can't stop fighting.

I am losing and I'm letting him win.

Today, I found myself realizing, and maybe half-accepting that I have fallen in love with him...all over again.

This is not good. This can't be happening. No, not this soon....

Far from Reality ( January 26, 2012 )

I had a dream about him last night. I felt really bad when I woke up. We were unquestionably happy...

In my dream, we were travelling together. Life was so simple...and bliss was like the air we breathe.Yes, I was also very ill in my dream, but it didn't matter.

In my dream, everything was right for me..at least, he was.

I survived! ( January 25, 2012 )

Yes, I made an effort to look prettier today, to smell really good and to appear a little stronger. And thank Heavens, it went fine.

I didn't lose myself.

I actually didn't feel much.

My little boy , apparently, did feel a lot. Right after seeing his father, he couldn't and wouldn't stop crying. He was like so mad and bothered. Somehow, my baby felt my crazy pain. He is only one year old.. and he is already becoming my hero...

Thank you for saving my day Euwy.. You're the reason I keep on fighting..and surviving :D

Freak Out! ( January 24, 2012 )

I am freaking out, in silence and numbness, in pounding fear and intensified sadness. Tomorrow, for the first time in almost two months, I will be seeing the father of my little boy, and the man who cheated on me.

I am hoping, wishing on all the stars and whispering my thoughts to the moon..that tomorrow will come and go as promptly as I imagined.

7 years ( January 23, 2012 )

On this day, seven years ago, I fell in love with my bestfriend. Today, our friendship remains..after all the lost love, crazy hopes and countless goodbyes.

We had a kind of love that breaks the silence of the heart, stings with every shot of pain.. and heals like the gentle hands of time.

Today, I thank God for giving me the chance to feel that kind of love..and to be able to celebrate and keep the lovely friendship after all these mad years.

Hope for the Hopeless ( January 22, 2012 )

The night is almost over and my hopes are getting older. I am still waiting..wondering what went wrong today because I haven't heard from him, yet.

I miss him. and I am very, deeply worried.

Then he texted, finally. The worry was all-gone. But I still miss him, very much.

21st ( January 21, 2012 )

Exactly one month ago, I found out I was being cheated on. Today, we were supposed to celebrate our 29th month together. Whew...so much for 21sts...

For the first time after almost one month, I was able to sleep okay last night. God is so amazing. He woke me up this morning feeling better. Now I really have to help myself..a little push..and some hope to recuperate..real soon.

Yesterday, I also decided that I can no longer linger in sadness and anger. I wasted so much time and energy trying to find the center of my pain. Now I will look for the cure.

Happy 21st to me.. and to the wonderful God that I have. Thank you so much. Looking forward to better days!

Six Bottles

I had six bottles of my dear beer last night. And yes, it may not be a lot, but it was enough.. enough to celebrate my 29th year ( which I could barely feel ) and enough to allow myself the crazy excuse to do what I missed -- drunk texting.

And after all the bottles, the tears and the endless pain, I still can fall in love..over and over.

But then again, love is not enough..

January 19, 2012

Today, 19th of January 2012, I turn twenty-nine ( 29 ). And as a gift to myself, I am going to try to write again, everyday, if possible. If I'm not online, I'll make sure I get my daily blah blahs noted on a piece of paper, or saved as draft on my mobile phone.

Today, I cannot put into exact words what I actually feel. I am not scared of getting old. I am not even aware. What I am afraid of is being this broken for long. My wish for today is to get well..and yes, to be able to edit the past.

On our 28th month together (December 21st ), I found out that the love of my life is cheating on me. And that a baby is on the way. That was definitely the greatest betrayal in my life. He was my man - the father of my only child & the only man I ever trusted all my heart and soul. Oh well, that was our story.

Last night, to distract myself..so I would resist the itch to text him, I scribbled this :

In the end,I always,infinitely lost the battle.

Of the million and one goodbyes,
Of the madness and the lies.
Of the love I wish I could have..
Of the truth I hope I never had.

One day when my wounds begin to itch,
When the pictures fade slow and a bit,
I will,I might,and just be there..
Staring at the stars,all over.★☆★

I'm not even sure if I meant what I wrote.