Incompletely Complete ( February 29, 2012 )

Sometimes it's not about putting the pieces of puzzle together. Sometimes we got to have a reason to solve the puzzle, or find the meaning of the puzzle once completed.

The emptiness and coldness that I am feeling is becoming a routine. I am afraid that this is leading me nowhere. I have to try harder. I got to dig in further. I want to be wiser.. But I also want to remain in love and faith.

First Night ( February 28, 2012 )

Tonight, we officially move in to our new house - mine and my son's too. It's a house built through the hard work of my parents, and some sacrifices I had to make.

Because I am thankful and grateful for this house, I waited too long, but never really expected. I have come this far and just when I thought this would be the end of waiting, I am feeling it is just about to begin.

Empty and Cold ( February 2, 2012 )

I am not as beaten as before. I am not as miserable as before. I am not as crazy before.. But why am feeling so very empty and cold?

I hope that, again, this is just a phase. I am not sure how long I can handle the emptiness or how far I can go with my coldness.

Tomorrow I shall see him again.. And I am hoping I won't be the same again.

Giving Thanks ( February 26, 2012 )

For all the times I forget to say thank You, I do apologize.

Tonight, I want to make it up. I am just going to thank You for all the marvelous things You have done to me even if I don't feel I deserve them.

Thank you God. You are beyond amazing. You are my light and home. And with your divine assistance, I know I can get through anything, and everything. Thank you for the new-found strength and the unbelievable courage I now bear. It's all because of You.

Unlimited ( February 25, 2012 )

Pain. Anger. Sadness. They are not unlimited like I always thought they would be. When it seemed like I was having the worst, I felt they were infinite. Now that I can think better, I am starting to feel better.

Eventually, sadness will exhaust the both of us to a point of acceptance. Eventually, we will run out of excuses and apologies and all that's left will be goodbye. Someday, we will both understand. Maybe not at the same time or gravity, but we will. We will stop blaming ourselves and begin to move on.

But right at this moment, while I am broken, I am broken. While there is pain, I will feel pain. No one can tell me to just shut off my sadness, or to rush my suffering to end. I will linger when I can and stop when I can't.

Maybe you are right, that because of the choices we make, we might be hardened by the passing of time and we might never be the same again. And maybe, when I am ready, you will no longer be. Yes, I will be broken and sad again.. But life must still go on.

We don't have unlimited chances to start over.. so I'm taking this one now.

Brains Up ( February 24, 2012 )

I am still hurting but the pain is being made less now that I can actually think. After sharing my story and being enlightened by very very wise people, I feel I can do it this time.

I am very hopeful. I am going somewhere. And eventually, it won't hurt so much anymore.

Because I Got Drunk ( February 23, 2012 )

And yes, because I got drunk, I wasn't able to write last night. So I am writing today while my head is being pounded by a crazy hangover and my heart is undergoing repair.

Again, I was saved by an amazing friendship. Thank you for drowning me with bitter-sweet treat and for rescuing my fogged mind and lunatic heart.

I remember saying "I love you" to him last night. Oh well, that's probably the last.

End of 21sts ( February 22, 2012 )

And in so many horrible ways, you still never cease to surprise me. A few weeks ago, you told me you are willing to wait. So I thought it was okay to keep on holding. Then just last night, you put me on the spot. You gave me a crazy deadline, and pressured me to forget the pain, and the past. You have gone beyond your madness.

But I feel I have to thank you again. Because you woke me up again.

Never Ending 21sts ( February 21, 2012 )

I know there are no more reasons to be happy on the 21st. The love we used to celebrate every 21st is now lost, and fighting death.

But I feel I need to remember, or to recreate in my mind how and why 21sts are as unforgettable as every woman's first kiss. And it's always as effortless as drinking water or wine.

Today, maybe, is just another 21st that I must forget. But memories are stronger than the struggling courage of goodbye. So again, I fail.

Today, I still do not have a choice.

You are still the reason I would and could, never get over the craze of 21sts...

So to love and madness, happy 21st!

Control Me Self ( February 20, 2012 )

I decided to manage my feelings,my dear temper, primarily. I would have to thank my sister for enlightening me.

Now, instead of freaking out or shouting out loud when ill temper arises, I just close my eyes, try to stay calm or bite my lip. It is very challenging at first. But I am starting to get the hang of it. It makes me feel better, too, as a person and as a mother.

When I don't concentrate on anger, I understand things better. I can breathe easier. It also saves a huge amount of energy. Stress and anger are major causes of crazy exhaustion.

I hope that this management will go on..and on. And eventually,will become a way of life.

There's No Place like House. ( February 19,2012 )

Family is everything. It is that one thing you can never, ever get rid. And yes, family is home.

Until you all grown old and things get so messy. Sometimes, being closer doesn't mean getting more comfort. And sometimes, living in the same house doesn't mean having stronger ties. We bend, we break and sometimes..we explode.

It is a big house. And yet, we do not fit in. We are family.. But everything is not just the same. We have aged.. But have never really grown up.

I wish..and pray..that at the end of the day, home will still be where the heart is.

Five ( February 18, 2012 )

Tonight, my dear sister invited me to drink. It's not rare but it's not also everyday. So I took pleasure. And enjoyed.

Tonight, I am asking myself what can love do to a crazy,hopeless person like me. I want to know how far love can go. I want to know when to stop or if I should.

I really don't know.

Elbi Night! ( February 17, 2012 )

I missed elbi..and yeah, just like before, it took me by surprise..

I didn't want the night to end but saying goodbye was necessary..

I wish I was more free...

On the bright side, with a very limited amount of time.. I was able to live the night I always, always miss. I am very thankful for my crazy friends and to my happy place. For one night only, I was young and free.

Coming Home ( February 16, 2012 )

Tomorrow, I am finally coming home. After missing last year's feb fair, I am reuniting tomorrow with my favorite place and my favorite people.

I am so thrilled. It's like a dream already happening.

And tomorrow, my home will heal me, make me forget for a night and let me celebrate the life I missed and embrace the people I so love.

See tomorrow ELBI. I can't wait.

Day One ( February 15, 2012 )

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. And I'm just on day one.

I'm afraid I might not find the courage, and the will to write everyday again because he is out of my life. He's the reason I started to write again and now that we both decided to cut the cord, I feel terribly out of any writable thoughts.

I miss you. I really do.. That's all I know now and oh, I love you, too.

And just like that, I broke the rule tonight. I called you and burst into childish tears...

Exception ( February 14, 2012 )

Today, because he said I am the only one in his heart, I am making an exception.

Today, because it's Valentines, we will celebrate all the beauty of our love.

We will talk about the past.

Except the ugly parts.

We will talk about the years.

Except the crazy tears.

We will talk about dreams..

And forget how lost we seemed.

Today, because I want to be happy, I will make you happy.

Today,because I love you, I will let you love me.

Today, because I want to be your Valentine.. I will let you call me mine..

And tomorrow, though I hope, will be the same as today.. I still must remember not to love you this way.

I wish today never ends for tomorrow I must try to forget your name..

Nice and Clean ( February 13, 2012 )

A day before Valentine's, I received a very unexpected text message. The other woman is apologizing. She said it doesn't matter if I don't take it. She just wanted to say it.

For like ten minutes after I read her message, I was in cold shock. I didn't know what to feel,or how to react or if I should reply. Then I focused. And from what I understood, it seemed like she is not really sorry. She was washing her hands clean of the mess. She said if she didn't agree with his promises and lies then all of these would've not happened. I told her she didn't just agree. She believed and took part. She can never be the victim.

Now, how do I forgive an enemy I haven't seen?a woman who is still giving me sleepless nights and ugly dreams?a person who is not really a person?someone who stole the love of my life, and my chance to have my own family?

I accepted her apology and told her I still believe that she deserves to suffer.

I am not ready to forgive and forget. But I wish I can begin to accept.

Picking Up ( February 12, 2012 )

We just had the longest, most truthful, logical and calmest conversation ever. There were pauses, sighs, stuttering, shaking, overspeeding, meaningful silence, a little sharpness and some intense word-filling..but no interruptions. No I didn't hang up. I stayed there until I could, and until I couldn't. Somehow I felt a breath of relief.

I've said a lot, and kept too many. I didn't hold back and I didn't ask much. If I had known what I knew and if I remain where I always am.. I'd be lost and forgotten.

Tonight I believe in you.

Tonight, I trust myself.

Early Valentines ( February 11, 2012 )

Today, we meet again..to have our son's haircut, some grocery and a little chasing and catching up. Yes, I was petrified last night. I almost didn't make it today. But when I saw you.. I was just fine. Again.

And though I'm not feeling so shaken today, I still can't explain the silent bursts of thoughts and emotions coming in and out of me. I may have loved you more when you are out of reach. When you are near, so is the pain.

Still, almost like a reflex, I gave you my piece of valentine.. Written on the flash card turned valentine card is :

"I felt the need to steal this off euwy's set of flash cards the moment I saw it..and I knew I had to give this to you. May this card bring us all the "H" we need to survive.. I still HOPE..that in you,with you..I'll find my HEART, HAPPINESS and HOME again.."

Oh well, all this world needs is love. Sometimes. Only because it's Valentines.

Stupidity ( February 10, 2012 )

I asked him to give me one word, just one, that would captivate the very reason why he fooled me. And yes, as expected..he said it was "stupidity".

Because of that one word, I now suffer the shit of never trusting. I now live in pain of not believing. I now walk in a world of miserable endings.

Stupid you.

More stupid me.

Haunted ( February 9, 2012 )

The memory of her face lingers. And though I haven't met her or seen her at all, she affects me in all the ugly, crazy ways.

I still imagine her with him..sharing drunken lust after shifts.. smiling and playing around like a real couple..exchanging gifts..kissing randomly.. watching movies together.. waiting on each other..engaging in sweet, forbidden moments..having fun chasing the thrill..feeling guilty and excited..loving two worlds in one beat...stealing something that is mine.

I know he loved her..in drunken and sober ways.. And my fear has grown uncontrollably. I am damaged and he might just come back for her. How the hell can I let him in again?

I need You. ( February 8, 2012 )

Today, I asked God to heal my heart. I begged for speedy recovery. I prayed for a better me.

When I was bleeding in pain, I wondered why I was given such struggle. I didn't understand the strength that I have until I was facing the battle already. God must really have so much faith in me. And I hope to prove Him right.

God, tonight.. I lift everything to You. Help me. Save me.

50/50 ( February 7, 2012 )

Was there really a need to choose?

I awfully hate it every time he makes me feel that he chose me. Like there was a point that I was actually compared to her, and that our chances were both 50%. I feel more miserable, more defeated.

Am I not the victim here? Am I not the loser who deserves all the sympathy? Am I not the broken person who needs fixing? Why was I even part of the choices?

She doesn't deserve to be compared to me. Not even when she can give or love better. Not even when she's the one chosen.

Fearfully ( February 6, 2012 )

They say that the only thing greater than fear is love. In my case, this isn't true. My fear has been made so great I couldn't almost recognize real love.

Pain has drained my courage. It stole my faith and let fear come in so effortlessly. I wish I had a warning. I wish I didn't expect too much.

I wish love finds its way to conquer fear. Again.

I Don't Want to Weigh ( February 5, 2012 )

Eventually, I need to come up with a resolution. I must weigh my options. I have to find the right answers. I should face the facts and the consequences. Because my life is not mine anymore. Because life is asking for too much and I have so little of time.

But for tonight, I will stay in love. I will imagine good things and dream of happiness like I've never had before. I will pretend that life is simple.. And that you are still mine.

Even if I can't hold you. Even if I can't touch your face and feel your body... I will be with you.. Tonight.

And there will be no need for promises. Never.

Not Enough ( February 4, 2012 )

I love him with every part of my broken heart. That includes the missing pieces, the stains of blood, the fresh wounds and the horrible scars. How can that be possible?

It's like I'm turning into a masochist.

I still love him like I can put up with any kind of hell.

But then again, I'm just not ready.

Whenever my beautiful home becomes a crazy wreck and my family momentarily turns into an absolute dysfunction, I wish I can shift into a monster that I was in my past. The old impulsive and rebellious me would run away in an instant, never look back and just be reckless & messy. I'd probably be with him right now if it was the case.

But I am different person now. I was changed when I became a mother. I was changed when I got broken.

I want to be with him for the right reason,too..not because the immature me wants to escape from anything and everything. Not because I want to cure pain with another pain.

Not because I love him.

Love isn't really enough. Never.

Just Like In Movies ( February 3, 2012 )

Memories are all I have of a beautiful beginning of love and of wounds of ugly pain in all endings.

If it wasn't for my little boy, I would've entertained the idea of going through a procedure to erase a part of my memory that involves his father. Yes, I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" this afternoon. And I'm still not done torturing myself by watching romantic and crazy films almost every freaking day. Somehow I need to believe that some stories aren't real and that love is mostly impossible.

I must believe. That's all I have, aside from rotten memories and a list of movies that make my pain realistic and my aching for true love surreal.

Let it pain.. ( February 2, 2012 )

When it gets a little cold, I would, most of the time, feel my stitches itch. And everytime I touch it or scratch it a bit, I remember the moment that made me believe that love is worth all the crazy pain.

I gave birth on October 29, 2010 via ceasarian section. I was anesthesized, cut open and stitched like a doll who lost an arm. I was awake the entire time. I didn't feel anything during the operation aside from my legs being lifted from the stretcher to the table. I also didn't remember agonizing the part when I had to go through almost fifteen hours of induced labor before the operation. What I would not be able to forget was the feeling after it. It was the time when the anesthesia started to wear off. I was freezing. My body quivered for what seemed like hours to me. Then there was this immeasurable pain shooting endlessly inside my body. I recognized that pain,accepted it unquestionably and embraced what it brought me- my little angel, the love of my life.

Everytime my stitches itch, I am reminded of pain..and of the miracle of love. I've gone through the pain that gave birth to

a beautiful and priceless scar..and the pain that changed everything.

I should be reminded of this, all the time... Especially today that pain is, maybe, greater than love.

Starting Old ( February 1, 2012 )

I almost forgot that the month of hearts has finally started. I have so much in my mind,and my heart is still drowning in impossible hopes.

Sometimes I wish I never changed.

The old me may not be strong,but was effortlessly hard. The old me may not be real,but was adequately indestructible. The old me may not have the faith but was absolutely unbreakable.

Today,I miss the old tough me.

Maybe starting old is all I need to start anew.

Just maybe.