The Unknown ( October 30, 2012 )

Certainly, I am coming to my senses. I know that I feel anger, and pain, but not as much, and that I am in control. I feel thick, and spent. I think I'm doing great. I want to be sure about it. I don't understand the depth of this clarity. I don't know how this will work or if it's just another phase that starts good and ends horribly. I don't know where I am or if I'm going to ever trust myself..

My Euwy Turns Two

To the bravest, smartest, sweetest and most beautiful man I've ever known..two years na tyo!and we're never letting go! Happy 2nd bday! You make me proud, and you make me the happiest woman alive :) I love you so so much!

Two for Two ( October 28, 2012 )

Two years ago, on this very same date, I, along with my son's father, went to the clinic for my check up. I am a little overdue, and as soon as my obgyne finished observing, she gave me the option of staying in the hospital to go with induced labor. I agreed. We both agreed. And after more than 15 hours, I decided to go with CS section.

It's been two years baby. And I've never been so brave and prepared in my life. I wanted so bad to see you, be with you and to love you more than anything. Tomorrow you are turning two, and my love grows by infinite heart beats. I thank heavens for giving me a chance to love like this..and to love someone like you. I love you forever my Euwy!

Magic 7th ( October 27, 2012 )

Today, we laughed our hearts out and simply enjoyed my nephew's 7th birthday party. I saw little boys falling off their chairs, young and old clapping, babies jumping and my dad almost losing his voice, all because of crazy laughter. The magician did a very great job. And today, the happiness and fun we felt is almost magical. Thank You Lord!

Let the Pampering Begin ( October 26, 2012 )

Having a foot spa is definitely on my list of to-dos once I get myself a helper, to give me some time off baby sitting my son and to provide me the chance to work and earn again. Today, I just couldn't wait. With my nephew and some older kids, I left my son in a play place inside the mall for more than an hour and went to the nearest spa to get my feet pampered. The service wasn't so satisfying and a little pricey but I felt it was an accomplishment and a big reward for myself. The last time I had foot spa was a few months before I gave birth and that obviously explains why this means so special to me. I smiled to myself as I lay on the bed, get scrubbed and treated. This really made my day. I am looking forward for more pampering..and love for myself and life. Motherhood shouldn't be so horrible after all.

Rainy Nights and Cold Pillows ( October 25, 2012 )

Yes, I am still in fear of growing old alone, under the roof, and sheets, alone. In maybe five years from now my little boy will probably request for a different bed, then a separate room. In maybe twenty five years, he'll find a girl, get hitched and build their own home. Sooner or later, I will be alone, and yes I am not prepared.
Tonight, it's raining pretty hard. The rain's loud and insincere, and I felt the weight of my longing grew by a dozen. I wish to understand my pain. I want our story to end soon. And I hope that this bed be spared from cold and lonely tears and my pillow from much impatience and delirium. I long for the rain to stop..

Saved by The Walking Dead ( October 24, 2012 )

For the past two weeks, something has been keeping me all excited, busy and safe. Thanks to The Walking Dead TV series. It gets me so occupied with anticipation, thrill and harmless pleasure and entertainment. I'm on the last two episodes of season 2 and only two new episodes for season 3. I might finish all those in less than two nights, then I go back to waiting, hopeless and unsafe from thoughts of you. I gotta get back to my movie marathon, or to new tv series. Maybe I should catch up on Grey's Anatomy and Gossip Girl. I have to try new, and better things and resist living in an ugly, deadly and messy world with you.

Dumber than Dumbbells ( October 23, 2012 )

For the very first time, I tried working out with dumbbells today, and boy it felt like a roller coaster ride and a trip to the safari, barefoot and all-hungry. I didn't finish all the rounds. I had to stop half way thru because I got so exhausted and nauseous. I didn't expect to end up feeling like that. It looked pretty easy on the video. The girl lifted the dumbbells, lunged, stretched, squatted and breathed in and out almost effortlessly. I ended up feeling like an overcooked veggie.

Well, for whatever its worth, I will try again tomorrow. I probably need to do cardio exercises first. I hope mom can get me a stationary bike for that. I'd enjoy that better than a thread mill. For now, I'll focus on my inner strength, that which will push me to not be outsmarted by dumbbells again.

Clarity ( October 22, 2012 )

I don't know if I'm just so excited and preoccupied about my little boy's second birthday, or if I'm truly earning some peace and comfort. Lately, my mind hasn't been agonizing and sucking all the bitterness available in the world. My heart hasn't been knocking me off, and I kind of feel safer, than lonely and bored. I hope this is the installment of clarity in my life. I hope good things will come.. Oh pretty, pretty please.

Remember to Forget ( October 21, 2012 )

I bet you don't remember. I would not forget. Three years ago, we made love for the first time. I was scared, and happy, and I've never felt anything like that. Now all I do is remember, and try as hard as I can, to forget.

Little Man ( October 20, 2012 )

My son doesn't look like he's just about to turn two.. He's heavy, burly and long, and although he's my baby, it's kinda inappropriate to use the words "tiny" and "cute".. But in my lifetime, I have never seen someone so adorable and moving. Those would be the fittest terms. And I will forever believe in miracles because I have him.

On the 29th of this month, I will have a 2-year old man. I'm excited and grateful, and although I've been blessed more than enough, I still wish more for my little boy. I want his lifetime to be healthy and beautiful. I know life is never easy, I just hope he can deal with it. Lord, thank You and please bless him more.

The Help ( October 19, 2012 )

This time I am really getting help. That's what I need. That's what I want. And this is going to be a good start. I'm glad I've finally come to this point that nobody objects in my getting a helper. So I'm in the real process now of getting one- my helper-to-be and my life-saver-to-be.

I am no hypocrite. I love my son beyond reason, but I am also human and I pretty much get exhausted, unfortunately, most of the time. As I've said before, I don't want to end up feeling bad about motherhood just because I've gone mad tired. As a single mom, I also want to start earning and providing for myself and my little boy. My parents have supported me more than enough, and this time, I want to stand on my feet, and be able to pay back, bit by bit. And truly, I could use some help..

Seriously ( October 18, 2012 )

Today, I realized and remembered one important rule in survival. In order to live, without too much grudge or pain, one must not take life so seriously. One very classic example is my father's temper. If I take him seriously every time he bursts in irrational anger, or speaks in tongues of fire and shit, I'd end up hating him more and feeling sorry for myself. The more I hate him, the more I'd feel incapable and worthless. It means more stress and more pain. So what I do these days is cool down a bit when scolded, and zip and tuck my angry thoughts, to avoid saying words I'd forever regret. It is really a great practice to think before you speak. I will do more practice. When the day ends, he is still my father and he loves me no matter what. I love him too.

Unsung Goodbye ( October 17, 2012 )

I wish I can utter and mean the word "goodbye" as I do with "I love you" or "I miss you" and "I still care". I want to sing, and not be heard. I want to move on but not let go. I'm not taking another chance to make a promise I can't keep. I'm not hoping against all hopes. I'm not breaking my limits. I'm not leaving incomplete, or unchanged. But if I can alter time, the way I met and loved you, and polish the scars of my heart, I would, definitely, say goodbye, without fear or doubt, one last time.

Wanted: Anger Manager ( October 16, 2012 )

Last night, my little boy displayed one hell of a circus of tantrums and I snapped once again. I felt my nerves burning, my heart pounding, my breathing long and heavy and my hands out of control. I yelled. I scolded my little boy like I don't own him, and ended up in tears, again. I totally abhor my temper, and the fact that I can't handle it makes me hate myself more. Lord, please help me. I know it's normal to be angry, but when I end up hurting the most precious love of my life, that is totally inappropriate, unacceptable and ridiculous. Please forgive me baby.

Write You ( October 15, 2012 )

I wish I could write something about you that doesn't involve love, or pain, a piece that doesn't breathe in longing or in tormented hopes. I want to write you a poem or a letter that doesn't eagerly revolve in mad anticipation or dreams and nightmares that are all but the same. I hope I don't quiver if I don't write the words "broken" and "desperate". I wish to feel a little heaven, and not much of hell when I imagine the story. I hope it does have an ending, somewhere. I want to write about you and not be dragged by the fleeting time and the fading of memories. I want every word to escape and not entrap my mind. And as I start to put the words while staring at the dark solace, I decided to stop and never write and weep...

Rules Made To Be Broken ( October 14, 2012 )

This friendship thing is beyond impossible. You are crazy to agree. I am crazier to pretend to agree. This is not going to work. This is all crap. I made rules so I know how to bend and break. I made a fool of myself. You played with it and now I feel I deserve all this shit. You can't be my friend. I don't want you to be my friend. I want you. I still want you.. And until I do, I can't be a friend to you.

Worst Friendship ( October 13, 2012 )

I just signed up for the worst form of friendship, with my ex-lover, the father of my son, the man who broke my heart and the jerk I still love. I am the craziest of all, really. I feel like I invented the word "fool" and brought the word "stupid" on the dictionary. Yes, it is unthinkable, but I also know I have to give it a try. My heart's long broken, and my head's consistently craving for insanity assault, so there's not much to lose. So here we go..

Unthinkable Activated! ( October 12, 2012 )

So you finally agreed to take part in our very own mission impossible. We are going to try to be "friends", and see where it takes us. If it works, then it's safe to say we've moved on. If it doesn't, then we're both screwed, as always.

This is definitely an extraordinary friendship. And I say we should come up with some rules. I just can't think of any at the moment. I am still overwhelmed, and terrified. I really don't know how to pull this off. I've never been friends with my ex lovers ( except one, my bestfriend, that is ) and having a son with you makes it more complicated than it is already. I really hope the heavens will conspire with me on this one. Oh, pretty please.

Worst Mommy ( October 11, 2012 )

Today, I feel like I'm the worst mother in the entire universe. Before I could get my little boy to sleep, we had to wrestle, scream and cry. I scolded him too much. I said things I now regret. I ranted my heart out and didn't consider his fragile and innocent mind. I am so sorry baby. I know you've been so playful and hard headed, but what I did was unacceptable. I love you so much, and I'm really sorry. My pain and exhaustion can never justify the fight we had today. Mommy's going to try again, to be better, for you. Again, I love you.

Picture Perfect ( October 10, 2012 )

Today, I went to our parish church office to request for my son's baptismal certificate. He was christened January 2 of last year, and I have forgotten to claim his certificate and eventually lost the receipt, so now I have to request for a new one.

While I waited for the certificate to be typed, printed and sealed, I came across a wall with posts of wedding announcements. With every scheduled wedding for the month, came a picture of the couple who's about to be married on a specified date. I started to wonder.. Pictures do say a lot, but I couldn't really figure which couple looks the happiest or most certain. I began doubting. My head was suddenly flooded with questions. Why are they getting married? Are they really in love? How long can they survive each other? Is the bride-to-be pregnant? Are they in a rush, afraid of growing old alone? Do they believe in forever? Why am I not married?!

I took a step back from the wall of lovers, tsk. I breathed slowly and examined myself from the reflection on the glass window. Although I do not know any of the couples from the dear wall, I honestly hoped they'd make it. I wished them the best, too. And as for myself, I prayed I won't have to ask too many questions when it's my turn to conquer the wall, if I will and I really, really hope I would.

Last Option : the Impossible ( October 9, 2012 )

We always have a choice. I firmly believe in that. It was your choice to break my heart. It was my choice to let you go. Change has never been kind to us. It is our choice to face it. Sometimes we close our eyes and deny. That's also our choice. We make it everyday. And although it is exhausting and messy, we go on..as if we can, as if it is possible.

Our struggles seem infinite, and none of us has really, fully given up. We have an option, and sadly, there's only one left. And that sole option is the impossible.. But let me just try, and maybe you can, too. Can we be friends as we get this through?

No More ( October 8, 2012 )

And if it was easy, you wouldn't have to watch me trip. If it was okay, you wouldn't see me weep. I managed to play the role. I saved nothing but a single soul. You can't be mine, and I'll never be yours. Let's quit together, we can be no more.

Ugly Sincerity ( October 7, 2012 )

And again, by the power of my bitter-sweet booze, I let loose. Seven bottles. Two drunk messages. And a guiltless hang-over pounding my head, ripping my stupid heart into bloody pieces. I am so thankful you were sober last night. I couldn't imagine the exchange of our eager and intoxicated thoughts. That would be beyond horrible.

Try to be sincere. Do not call. Do not text. And never reply. If you want to fix me, stop breaking me. If you want me to move on, get out of my life. This is not a request.

Back OFF ( October 6, 2012 )

Last night I couldn't resist the urge to tell you the truth. So I told you that you still have this crazy effect on me and that I am sad, feeling alone and very needy. I also told you to stay away from me, and requested for your appropriate silence. I'm tired of your game. I'm tired of wanting you.

Today, after a two-week hiatus from working out with my instructional dvds, I am finally back. I fought my sleepy head this afternoon, stood up and started moving like a pro. I hope I can get up from this horrible phase with you as fast as I did today.. I gotta get moving.

Only Because ( October 5, 2012 )

I am fervently hoping that I think about you so much and imagine sweet, and beautiful things with you, ONLY because I am alone and very needy. I wish you're just an escape I am using while I'm in this lonesome and horrible phase. I'd like to think that this insanity is quick and easy to let go of. I want to be not alone anymore so I won't want you at all. I really hope that's how it's going to be. If not then I am absolutely screwed.

Flirting with the Devil ( October 4, 2012 )

And because the rainy nights have summoned again and I'm more vulnerable than ever, slowly on the tip of my toes, I come back to you. You tell me lies I want to believe. You ask for love I might willingly give. You offer no promise but I am filled with secret hopes. You give me no guarantee but I am ecstatic about the future. I am weak and scarred. I am in pain, and I am longing. Today, I don't trust myself. I'm not where I want to be. I am not safe when I want you.

Sweet Child of Mine ( October 3, 2012 )

I really must have done something so right in the past to deserve my amazingly sweet little man. From the kisses that melt my heart, to the warmest hugs and hands held tight, the way he utters I love you back and pouts when he says I'm sorry.. Truly, I am loved, and blessed and beyond lucky. Thank you Lord!

Away from Home ( October 2, 2012 )

I didn't understand what it feels like to be so far away from home until I visited my dear sister. Now I am more amazed by her courage and strong will. I don't think I'd be able to keep up with the struggle of sadness and expectations. My sister is truly a toughie. I know there will be countless times of crying and missing, but I also know she can get through anything. We are her inspiration, and she is ours, too.

Last Fine Day ( October 1, 2012 )

Hello there October! I almost didn't realize it's the beginning of a new month. I've been so caught up with my restless body and my happy heart. Yesterday was so much fun. From Transformers, to the Mummy, Shrek, Woody Wood Pecker, Jurassic Park, Madagascar, Kung Fu Panda, Betty Boop, Marilyn Monroe, Frankenstein and the great Sesame Street, I really didn't have the right to complain about my throbbing feet. I was blown away by the sight and the whole experience. And I'm glad my little boy enjoyed so much, too.

But the only sad truth today is that we are bidding our farewell to the fine city of Singapore, leaving my sister behind. My heart is happy and sad.

United at Universal ( September 30, 2012 )

No tired feet, restless body or mad hangover can make me miss today's itinerary. Today we are all set to invade the Universal Studios. My little boy's so crazy about Elmo and the rest of the Sesame Street gang and I am so ecstatic about mind-blowing rides. Together with the family, today is going to be the best day of the year!

Of Reunions and Trains ( September 29, 2012 )

I had to wake up at 5:30 in the morning, bathe and check on all the stuff we need to bring before waking my son up to get him ready for this big day too. All went well and after three long excited hours, we touched down the fine city of Singapore before 2pm.

At the hotel, we finally saw our sister and all the waiting and exhaustion was gone. I so miss my sister. I let my little boy run to her and gave her the warmest hug.

Since time is of the essence and ours was very limited, after checking in, we all decided to go out to experience dining and shopping Singapore style. Yes it's a fine and very expensive city so we had to ride the metro train instead of hailing a cab, and damn it was a hell of ride. From the long walks, the endless escalator hopping, a wide range of smell from locals and foreigners, the transfers from one train to another, and our ever tired legs and feet, we're more than glad to have survived our quick city life.

We almost didn't mind our overly used bodies. After all the good food and crazy shopping, we wrapped up the night with booze and stories, and my little boy throwing tantrums. Thank God for this day, and tomorrow we're gonna rock down Universal Studios!

All-Packed and Thankful ( September 28, 2012 )

Finally, the long wait is over. Tomorrow, we will say hello to Singapore for the first time and kiss my dear sister who's been away for the longest time. All the nights full of stress and worries have come to an end. My son is getting so much better and is totally ready and excited for tomorrow's trip. God, thank You for all Your wonders. We love You so much!