The Heart Never Forgets ( September 27, 2012 )

I guess no matter how much I despise you, no matter how much pain and betrayal I feel whenever I see you, and your tattoo, no matter how disgusted I am for your lack of balls to stand up and be responsible for all your shit, no matter how inconvenient and uncomfortable it has been trying to communicate with you because of our son, no matter how many times you disappoint me, and make me see life at its worst with you.. No matter how, no matter what, I'd probably never find even the slightest courage to forget you..

Steven ( September 26, 2012 )

When I saw the name "Steven" tattooed on your left arm, I honestly don't know what to feel. I expected that. We talked about it. I knew it was going to happen, but I just didn't know it would be this soon. I didn't expect to see this today, while I'm so caught up with all my worries and stress about our son being sick. I've almost forgotten you have two sons. The other one, not mine. On your right arm, my little boy's name, and on the left... "Steven".

I know "Steven" is totally innocent. But I also feel that his name marked on your skin is also your betrayal marked on my heart, forever.

Big and Little Risks ( September 25, 2012 )

Slowly, my little boy is getting better. Thank You Lord. Please heal him completely. I am still in discomfort about our upcoming trip. I want him safe and healthy. I don't want any risk. For my son, definitely, no risks.

Today, I dropped the not-so-ancient-silence and replied to your message. Yes, my rude and defensive self took a vacation and my soft and sometimes excessive humane side has prospered. And yes, you win, too. Maybe I don't hate you so much. Maybe I don't love you too much. Maybe I was just trying to be nice. Or maybe, I didn't think I'd risk so much. I hope so..

Drained ( September 24, 2012 )

I know the after feel of rigid workout or dancing. I've jogged before and walked under the blazing sun. But I've never felt this drained. I am beyond exhausted. All the worries turn to rough stress and all the chores become all too painful. All I want is for my son to be well. Oh God I am begging.

Fever and Forgetting ( September 23, 2012 )

It is going to be another night full of worries, discomfort, nerve-cracking and a lot of hopeful praying. My little boy is sick AGAIN and I'm going nuts and delirious! It's only been 15 days since we last visited his pediatrician and gone through blood tests and screening. I am just enjoying my all-well baby and suddenly, he's back to being feverish. Oh God, I need Your help. Keep me sane and focused. Make me stronger in mind, heart and body. We're only five days away from our most awaited Singapore trip and I am starting to be swallowed by pessimism because of what's happening. I have to have more faith, and more hope and more positivity. God I need You.

Today, in the midst of my stress and worrying, I got what-seemed-like-another-drunken message from you. It was more like a drunken reminder. You told me you love me. And that it's something you don't want to forget. Apparently, it was something you've already forgotten. You are just trying very hard to remember now, and letting me know, is not going to make it any easy for us. Just go get another drink and let's just both forget.

Sister's Day! ( September 22, 2012 )

And because for the very first time, my sister's not home to celebrate her special day with me, I sought the presence of my girl friends who also mean the universe to me. To Anna, Rhina and Ate Michelle, thanks for being with me. I had so much fun I lost count of the bottles I gulped. Thank you for the time, and all the stories that bound us, kept us sane, and insane, old and sometimes happy.

To my dear sister, cheers! Happy birthday.. I miss you so much. We will see you on Saturday! Xoxo!

The "M" Word ( September 21, 2012 )

I still, strongly, believe in marriage. Maybe it's because of my religion and my faith in God. Or maybe, I am just another princess waiting for my happy ending and a prince to make that happen. My story's never quite a fairy tale, but my hopes are ever so high and my dreams bigger than life. One day, I will get that shining chance, to walk down the aisle, or stand in front of a judge, with a long white dress, or just a white dress, and to utter my vows or just to simply say " I do ". Oh yes, I'm a believer.

No More Drunk Messaging ( September 20, 2012 )

Last night I struggled with the urge to send you a text message. I woke up this morning feeling proud I didn't. I had four bottles of beer, and yes, I wasn't drunk enough. Maybe that's the reason. Or maybe I am slowly learning the art of resistance, and the beauty of letting go. I really hope so...

Slow Progress ( September 19, 2012 )

There are still mornings I wake up thinking how it's going to be like if you were sleeping beside me. There's this scene playing in my head whenever I go crazy lonesome. But I am handling it better now. I used to confess. I used to tell you what I'm feeling or contemplating. I used to not be able to sleep when I don't tell you. I wanted to lose my mind with you hoping you'd take my heart again and treat it right this time. I was mad in love. But now, I guess I'm better. Last night, I cried a little when I remembered "us". I didn't text you or call you. I just cried. A little. I know I'm not completely healed. But I know I'm improving slowly. I read somewhere that slow progress, is still progress. I strongly believe.

Sleep Talking ( September 18, 2012 )

I never sleep talked. Well, maybe once, when I was in grade school when I was so excited for the next day's field trip. My brother heard me saying "Piatos" referring to the snack I had to bring. I'd always have roommates in college, and flat mates when I was working in the city, and none told me about any incident of sleep talking. I snore when I'm awfully exhausted or overly drunk, but never sleep talked. My little boy is the opposite. He sleep talks a lot. And I mean A LOT. Every night. And I am starting to worry. I might just have to ask his pediatrician when we pay her a visit before my son's second birthday. My aunt told me it is normal, well, for little boys who are very active during the day. My Euwy is super active. I hope that's the only reason, or that he's just a frequent dreamer like me, except I don't talk in my sleep ( thank God, I don't ).

Vincenze Eurwyn ( September 17, 2012 )

I didn't know what it's like, how it's going to feel and the kind of love and happiness you would bring..

Until I saw your face, and felt your warmth the moment you were handed to me the day you were born..

Until I heard your first cry, and captured your first smile..

Then you started giggling when I made faces and animal sounds.. You would move your hands and burst in laughter when I do a peek-a-boo..

You always turn my exhaustion to bliss. All the time. You are my weakness, and my strength.

I didn't know I'll be this excited, and amazed..and fulfilled..

Until you finally uttered "Mama".. And learned how to plant a kiss on my cheek..

Then you started walking, and running towards me and I knew you were God's best invention.

Now you can finally talk, and make phrases, answer my questions and repeat almost every word I say. I never thought someone so tiny and young could actually understand me, and say things that make my heart melt and my soul healed. You are my miracle. I love you, too baby.

And until now, I can't thank God enough for giving you to me.. You are my life Vincenze Eurwyn.. And I love you forever.

Time & Targets ( September 16, 2012 )

Before the year ends, I hope to lose at least 7 lbs. After all the diet and workout, I want to be at 125 lbs. I don't have a time frame for that yet but hopefully, I can bare more skin next summer. My target really is to be fit. I also want to maintain the diet, and workout if possible. When my time to go back to working comes, a lot of changes will happen. For now, I will stick to my daily routines and probably set more goals to keep me busy and moving on.

Mother of Sorts ( September 15, 2012 )

I wonder if my Mom still asks herself, "What kind of mother am I?" Maybe she already knows. Maybe after raising and surviving three offsprings ( who's births are only one year apart ) while dealing with her difficult husband, she has enough bragging rights, and a pretty good source of knowledge and wisdom. I want to be like her some day, except for the part of having to deal with an ill-tempered partner. I gotta have someone who's my opposite. And that means I will be needing a calm version of me.

I don't know what kind of mother I am, and I'm afraid to ask myself. I'm on my second year as a mom now and it's not really enough to tell where I am or if I am getting any better. All I know is that I am trying..

Monster Dad ( September 14, 2012 )

Yesterday my father and I had an argument. AGAIN. He lost his crazy temper and vented out all his exhaustion on me. AGAIN. I lost mine, too and shouted back. I know it's totally rude but I am really glad my mother's paying for my needs and my son's too. I really don't know how someone can put up with my Dad. He's nice when he's nice, but when he's mad, he's a monster! I am starting to worry because I might end up like him, soon. I hope not.

Changing Habits ( September 13, 2012 )

Last night, instead of watching tv like I do every night, I watched a good movie I downloaded on my laptop. I usually do my movie thing during my son's afternoon nap, but I now schedule my work out at that time since I couldn't get up too early in the morning. I also intend to find more time for reading. If still possible, I would like to spend more time and effort for my little boy's learning time. I have to be more super than super mom.

I'm on my second day now, and hopefully I can follow through with this change of schedule, and habits. This should be a piece of cake compared to moving on. I expect better results, too.

Too Many To Do's ( September 12, 2012 )

A little after lunch, I bathed my little boy and put him to sleep. He fell asleep while I was cleaning his ears. I was glad I didn't have to sing while I rock him until he surrender to slumber. He's a real heavy boy, and it's just so much work. When my hands were finally free, my mind gathered thoughts on how to spend my time wisely. In an hour or two, my son would be up again and I'm back to being a super mom, so I got to hurry. I wanted to do so much in so little time. And I've already wasted precious minutes on contemplating alone. I had to move real quick.

So I started doing the laundry. Right after I dried my overworked hands, I played the fitness program on tv and began working out. After 30 minutes, I checked on my little boy and decided to take a shower since he's still deeply asleep. Just a few minutes after I put on my fresh clothes, he woke up. And just like that, my free time's over.

I wish I had a handful of time and energy. I want to give all my best efforts to bring up my son, and I also want to be able to nurture my own needs. I guess motherhood has taught me the true worth of time. It is only now that I am starting to realize that instead of spending most of my days getting drunk or cheating on my partner in the past, I should've taken time to relax while reading a good book, or fall asleep after a movie marathon. I should have allotted time for exercise and preparation of healthy meals. Now there's just so much work to do, a lot of changing and catching up.. And very, very limited time.

Musings of a Single Full-time Mom( September 11, 2012 )

I honestly couldn't remember the last time I watched a movie in a mall, or had a full-body massage and scrub at a spa. The last time I went to a salon to have my hair treated was like four years ago. I am not even sure about it, really. I've missed out heavily on the series of shows I used to watch on tv and dvds. I haven't finished a good book in ages. I've left two companies in a span of six years, made a bunch of great friendships, and haven't had the time to catch up with any for the last two or maybe three years. I wonder if they miss me too. When I was working, I used to play billiards and sing on videoke almost everyday after shifts. Now I don't know if I can still break the set of balls, or if I'd still have the confidence to hold a microphone and sing out loud. I gave up smoking. I drink less now, and I've almost forgotten how it feels to be crazy drunk. I don't party anymore, or drink outdoors. I forgot how it feels like to wake up after sleeping for six or maybe at least four uninterrupted hours. I spend most of my days at home, wearing oversized shirt and shorts, looking messy, feeling exhausted and thinking my life would change soon. Oh, I am really hoping. Everywhere I go, and whatever I do, I am with my son and it's not always easy and fun.

I don't regret being a mother. I love motherhood so much, that's why I've chosen to be on this for almost two years now. I'm also very fortunate to have the advantage of taking care of my own son and watching him grow and change everyday. I love my son to bits and pieces. And I am really thankful that we get to share our moments and memories together. I've been so blessed. No question to that.

But sometimes, I get so lost...and stuck. I've grown so tired, and impatient. I lost track of time and I feel forgotten. No, I don't intend to go back to my old habits. I just simply want some "me" time... A time I can stop worrying and waiting.. And just be me. I hope that happens soon enough.

On Complaining ( September 10, 2012 )

With the amount of blessings I've been receiving every single day of my life, really.. I don't have any bit of right to complain. But because I am twisted, needy and selfish, I forget that, a lot, sometimes. And I am deeply sorry.

For all the times I misunderstood You, for the many times I've questioned Your will and lived in my own judgement, for the times I took every burden as Your punishment.. Please forgive me. I've always asked so much and You have given me more than enough, more than I deserved.

For all the times I've counted my challenges, and not the amazing abilities You have given me, for the many times I've jumped and blamed you for the fall, for the times I've lost faith and questioned you some more.. I am so sorry.

Finally, I want to thank You. For all the love, and understanding..for the endless blessings, acceptance and forgiveness. I will try to be a better person..for myself and You. Thank You and I love You.

And oh I almost forgot, thank You for this beer I'm drinking, and for the wonderful son, who's so healthy and comfortably sleeping. I love You so!

Feeling Light ( September 9, 2012 )

I did another weigh-in today, and as it was the last time I checked, I'm still at 140 lbs. But I am only half frustrated now, because in spite the unchanging weight after all the dancing and diet, I kinda feel lighter. It's probably because my son is starting to get better, or because I am feeling much better about myself. Or maybe both. It's all in the mind, really. I am glad to have felt differently when I saw you yesterday. I am happy I survived. I am thankful I am not crazy about you anymore. Or maybe not as much. Still, it's good to know I am moving, leaving the heavy grudge, feeling lighter and better. I hope you are, too. Or maybe not...

Negative! ( September 8, 2012 )

One of the best kind of negative results is knowing that your little boy is out of danger. We had him checked today and we were advised to have his cbc and dengue screening done. Thank heavens results were negative. He just needs more rest. I'm also praying for the crazy fever to go away, or we will have to see the doctor on Monday again. I do not like that.

Today, after almost five months, Euwy saw his Daddy. He was a bit late for the check up, but at least I got him to accompany me during the laboratory tests. I also made him wait for the results because Euwy and I needed to go home.

Euwy cried hysterically upon seeing his "Dadah" after a long time. He sounded scared. He's probably familiar with his father, but maybe in an uneasy and doubtful way. Or maybe my little boy feels what I felt. He cried out loud what I've been crying inside. It took him half an hour before smiling back and finally feeling safe. I told my little boy to kiss and hug his father. I just suddenly felt responsible for that gesture. I didn't feel like being rude, and complicated. I was at my best, I guess.

When I saw my son's father today, I realized that I am no longer drowning in pain. I also felt void of desire, and wanting. I wasn't nervous and ecstatic. I was very calm, and easy. I've been really a bit better. And again, I hope this state will go on, and on until it's time to just laugh about it.

Fitness and Fever ( September 7, 2012 )

Yesterday afternoon my little boy started having fever, and until today almost every after two hours, his temperature would go up and I'm back to being crazy worried, and overly stressed. At times like this, I wish my sister can lend me her calmness and efficiency. I really should've pursued medicine or shifted to nursing had I known motherhood would be this disarming. God, please make my son well. I'm too insane for this.

Today I tried Zumba fitness program after putting my son to slumber this afternoon. Amongst all the three programs that I've tried, I like Zumba the most. Maybe because I've always dreamed of being able to gracefully groove in the ballroom. And because I enjoyed dancing today, my worry and stress levels gone down several notches. Sweating after a workout can be really addictive. I never realized moving on can be this healthy, and safe.

He WAS ( September 6, 2012 )

He's tall and very skinny. His hair is black and his skin is somewhat pale. His eyes are almost brown and his nose, deformed and poor of sense of smell. He's not gifted with a good set of teeth, or fine living. He came from a broken family and never finished college. His hands are as big as mine. Our hands were a perfect fit when intertwined. He was my true love. That's how I remembered him.

He was thoughtful, not romantic. He never gave me flowers or cards, but he made sure I go home safely everyday by picking me up before work and accompanying me on my way home. He brings me lunch at night when I'm on graveyard shift, and would wake up whenever I call.

Of all the romances I've had, he's the only one who blew me away with maturity, and sense of humor. He's the funniest, most appreciative, loving and most truthful. He WAS... He really was, until it all went wrong.

Thin-Tin ( September 5, 2012 )

Lately, I've been a little obsessed about losing weight. Maybe not just a little. I'm like a college student cramming for final exams. I feel like I have a deadline. I want results right away. I've exerted so much effort. I've combined discipline and hard work. And after almost three weeks now, I only lost a single pound! I must be doing it wrong.. Or I just don't have enough patience.

I've seen two of my friends, who have given birth, gone through pain and heart breaks, just like I did, but were able to successfully move on looking better than ever. From the way they look today, I couldn't find any hint of stress, or motherhood mess. They look slimmer, prettier and happier. And I am growing envious everyday.

I want to glow again. I hope to look like I've never had pain, or never suffered from the crazy circus of motherhood. I want to look and feel fresh. I want a new me, real soon... I want the new me, to help me move on..faster. I want a kind of hope that will awaken my patience. I want it so bad, so soon.

Much Love from SG ( September 4, 2012 )

Today, we received special gifts from my dear sister. She's been working in Singapore for just a month and already she's making enough money to send us stuffs we really like. I am thankful, and proud, and inspired by her strength, perseverance and courage. It also gave me the thought of maybe working in abroad, too, some day. I wasn't just so ready. I am not so ready for most things, except for my son. I guess that made me let the idea pass, for now.

To my sister, thank you so much. We love and miss you. We will see you in 25 days. Can't wait..

Picture Puzzle ( September 3, 2012 )

Last night I felt the itch to look at your photo. So I keyed in "euwysdad", your Twitter username and opened your avatar. It was surprising. For a while, I was numb, and uneasy. I couldn't process quickly what I was feeling. I looked intently. I wasn't at all paying attention to details. I know I didn't fall for that. I was more like trying to recollect. I froze as I try so hard to remember but couldn't. I tried to recall how that face smiles, make funny gestures or how those eyes of yours look when you're drunk and romantic. I failed, miserably. For the first time, I felt like I was looking at a stranger, or maybe some familiar face whose name I've forgotten or someone I've just bumped into when I was so busy walking down the street. I have forgotten how you were, how we were.. And I am still trying to remember..and forget some more. I hope this unfamiliarity goes on.. So I can move on.

Surprise! ( September 2, 2012 )

Today, I did my sister a huge favor. I spearheaded her plan to surprise her boyfriend on his birthday. It was my idea after all. I've always been good with surprises. I'm the sweet and thoughtful one. I'm also that clever one who comes up with bright ideas along with perfect timing. And yes, timing is everything. I wonder why I can only apply that skill on surprises. Hmmm..

My sister's original plan was to create a collage and have it printed on a pillow case. There's a shop in the mall that does that. But I found her idea too common and boring. So I helped her out. Since her boyfriend loves to eat out a lot, I thought it would be better if we have all his favorite foods delivered to him on his special day. She came up with a long list. She also added I need to get balloons and customized stuffed toys.

I woke up early today, dragged my body off the bed to put things together. We need to go to the mall at 10am so we can place orders and pick up other stuff. It wasn't easy but along with my brother, her wife and my niece, we accomplished the plan. My little boy was our extra challenge, haha.

After the task at the mall was completed, we went to my sister's bf's place and delivered the food. He was very surprised. I was feeling so tired but thankful. It was a success. I am still good at surprises, except life's surprises for me.

Finally September ( September 1, 2012 )

I said my bitter sweet farewell to August with a bottle of red. And as expected, I was greeted good morning by September with a throbbing hang-over. I had to celebrate. I had to thank heavens I survived the month of my pain. I had to get moving on.

Last night you asked if you can call me. A tiny portion of my tipsy brain succumbed to the idea. I've been feeling better these past few days. I've been a little okay. I don't want to lose it. I don't want to go back to zero. So I said "No" like I've mastered the art of it. I guess I wasn't drunk enough to allow despair to creep into me again. Maybe I am ready to let you go now. Maybe because it's already September.

Looks and Loyalty ( August 31, 2012 )

I've had quite a diversity of men. I dated men of almost all ages. I fell for the popular, the bad guy, the super smart and ugly, the young and needy, the womanizer, the young and crazy, the all-good looks, the-man-with-so-many-issues, the filthy liar, the-prince-not-so-charming, etc, etc.. It felt like I was having a trial and error sort of man-hunt. So far, I failed, really bad.

When I met my son's father, I thought it was quite a fair deal. He's not at all good-looking but I knew and felt he was going to love me like no other and that he's going to be loyal, forever. But as it all turned out, looks and loyalty aren't really interrelated qualities. There's just so much temptation in the world, and a hell lot of weakness conspiring with it. So again, he's another Mr. Wrong. Oh well, maybe I have to stop trying.

No, thanks.. ( August 30, 2012 )

After not sending support for our son for almost four months, you finally did yesterday. As usual, it's not enough. I am not surprised. I am just feeling more frustrated. I couldn't get myself to say "Thank you.." Maybe if it was enough, I would, just a little. I could've also told you to give up your financial responsibilities, and let me handle it, but I wasn't feeling so rude. So I just did what I've been good at lately, I shut up.