I love you more yesterday than today ( March 28, 2012 )

I am not saying that I have fallen out of love. It's just that I am not as crazy, as terrified and as driven by your love and affection as I was maybe a week ago. I really don't know what happened, but magically, when I saw you today, I no longer felt the horrible thumping of my heart. My nerves were calm and my thoughts were clear. I just don't know if it's better this way, or if this is just a phase that will be over soon, until I go back to the basics of figuring out again how I feel about you..and how to forget you.

A Weird Dream ( March 27, 2012 )

This morning I woke up questioning the dream I just had. I find it weird. I haven't thought about him lately- my bestfriend, who's also my ex- boyfriend, who I also consider my one great love. And suddenly I dreamed of being with him and all over him, so physically.

The dream felt real. We were making love slowly, intensely and very intimately. I felt his soft kisses, his grip on my arm and back, the heat of every thrust and the insane longing. It was so crazy.

Maybe I am trying to divert my longing and my pain.. Maybe I also miss him.. And maybe one day, just maybe..the dream will become real..like he told me.

Consistency ( March 26, 2012 )

I need something, someone to make me feel safe about love, again. I need to feel it is okay to trust again. I want not to ask for assurance, but be offered the loyalty I deserve. I want not to be scared anymore, and not to want to be alone because I cannot believe in anyone.

Love is consistent. When it is mine, it is ONLY mine. When I am in love.. I am yours.. Just yours. Everyday. Every freaking second. All the TIME. And as long as I love you, I will LOVE you..ONLY you.

Pain Gained ( March 25, 2012 )

A showbiz personality once said that pain never goes away, that we just get used to it. I am hoping that it is not true. I don't want my pain to stay. I don't want to be so familiar with it. I can't make it last. It has to go away. I have to be okay.

One day, I will be okay. I know I would never be able to take away the memory of pain, but I hope that when I remember, it will no longer linger.

Not Enough ( March 24,2012 )

After all the pain, the misery and the fears you have given me, you still have the power to make me feel I am inadequate. Today, you made me feel like I haven't done my part and that I should have done more. I am not enough for you. And it is enough that I know that. You are, too... You very well know that.

Breakdown ( March 23, 2012 )

As much as I want to, as much as my mind and body so badly need to... I can't. I simply cannot allow myself to breakdown. I can be scared. I can be a little tired. I can be nervous and I can just cry. But I can never lose myself. I can't lose my head and my heart. I can be weak but I can't be so messed up. I am a mother now and I can't act and be like any kind of woman. I have a child to raise and I can't go on feeling I can't. I love my son and I can do anything and everything for him. Yes, I can.

When It Rains ( March 22, 2012 )

And because it rained today, I wanted to fall in love with you again. I wished I was holding your hand and that your fingers were running between the strands of my hair. I imagined having coffee with you, before and after making love. I thought of vodka and movie marathon. I dreamed of cuddling and rubbing toes, of random kissing and whispering in the dark.

I miss you so much, and when it rains, I miss you even more..so much that I have to stop myself from closing my eyes and imagining you're with me. I wish it won't rain again.

35 Before 35 ( March 21, 2012 )

My best girlfriend proposed that we have a bucket list-like thing. She read an article in a travel magazine about two girlfriends who made a list of 30 stuffs they both want to do or accomplish together before they reach the age of 30. In our case, we made a bit of adjustment, we decided to make it 35 before 35. So we have to do 35 stuffs together before we turn 35 years old.

This is going to be so much fun. I look forward to making and checking our soon-to-be list. Let's do this Rhina!:)

Minuses ( March 20, 2012 )

I worry too much. I get scared a lot. And my doubts are beyond imagination. I always look at the downside of every story, how some tales are bound to end really bad. I am starting to wonder now where all the negative aura is coming.

I need all the help I can get. I need all the pluses to outnumber the overflowing minuses. I need it now.

Balls ( March 19, 2012 )

Eventually, you have to have the balls to stand up for us. Love will never be enough. You have get up from your long-ignored slumber, and fight. Or you will lose us forever.

I will wait. But I will also stop when necessary. I have struggled, and waited long enough. You just have to realize I am the one waiting. Not you.

Fathers and Sons ( March 18, 2012 )

I couldn't ignore it forever. At some point, some place..even if I try so hard to avoid it, I will always feel a stab on my chest whenever I see a father and a son, playing, giggling and just simply having fun, while the mother smiles as she watches her favorite boys.

I can't help but feel more lonely, more envious.. and more hopeless.

On Singlemotherhood ( March 17, 2012 )

I want to be a good mother. I want to become the best mom for my son. Motherhood is such a complicated job. Everyday is a discovery of what I can and cannot do, what I would do, and would do still, even if I can't do. If I don't deliver the results I want, I feel so lousy, utterly frustrated and unworthy.

I want to go beyond what I can do to fulfill and equal the happiness my son has brought into my life. Sometimes I feel guilty whenever I get tired, mad and just out of proportion. I can't be tired, mad and messed up. I have to be at my best all the time.

Sadly, sometimes, the lack of a partner in raising my son, limits my motherhood. I couldn't ignore the idea of having it lighter and less complicated if the whole experience is being shared with someone who loves my son as much as I do. And the more I hope for it, the less it becomes real. I really don't know. I will just have to believe that I can be a good mom, even on my own.

Red ( March 16, 2012 )

Again, I was too drunk to write last night, so I am writing today. I had to take a bath so early than usual because my head was being knocked down by a very well-deserved hang-over. I underestimated the power of red. I never thought it would kick me. Well, I drowned myself with two bottles of red wine. That should explain.

Red is the color of love. But it is also the color of hatred, of bloody pain and more pain. Red is the color of my past- bright and striking, dauntless and surviving. But red, is also the color of my fear..

Last night, I pushed you away...again. You should really be going. I might not really be worth the fight.

If Only, But ( March 15, 2012 )

Just for tonight, I am allowing myself to devour in what ifs and forbid all the buts. This may not make me feel better, but sometimes a quick escape can cleanse the mind.

If only he waited..

If only I have accepted..

If only he made the right choices..

If only I fought..

How different we would be today,if only?

But....

All I Really Want ( March 14, 2012 )

All I really want is to be in love again, to fall recklessly and be saved by the right person. I don't want to mistake my loneliness, or deep fear for the desire of my heart to be ready to fall again. I can't and won't hurry. Taking chances is not my thing. Being scared is all I know.

Life As I Know It ( March 13, 2012 )

Life is not fair. I don't always get what I want, and what I really deserve. It reveals my strength through unbearable pain, and with truth that is much worse than lies. It sucks until I've had enough, until I'm all-void, and mad. And save me from emptiness when it's too late.

When life tries to be fair by offering second chances, it loses its meaning. When it tries to win you back, you realize you're not worth it.

But although life is not fair, it is acceptable. There is always a way. And most of the time, the hard way is the only way.

Extra Mile ( March 12, 2012 )

I am developing, more like extending, my very limited patience. Just a few hours ago, I almost lost it. I could've snapped and delivered my long-kept pain and angst, but I didn't. I focused until I got teary-eyed. And thanks to my little boy's kiss. He just saved me from an untimely bursting.

Next time, I will do better. Next time, I will hold it longer. There's just so much pain hidden in my pride. And so much love I don't want to waste.

Queen of Quitting ( March 11, 2012 )

I just realized how I used to be so good at hanging up, walking out and just simply giving up. Everything was easier when I knew how to take control, when I could tell when to stop. Yes, I might have been a coward before for just running away and saying "No", but at least I was able to move forward instantly.

Right now, I cannot move. I cannot let you go and I don't want to move on. I don't know what I want in this game. All I know is that I don't want you to go, and I can't make you stay. If I choose to lose you, I might win. Sometimes winning is a prize of quitting.

Same Old ( March 10, 2012 )

Last night, I found myself crying before I went to sleep. The last time I did it, I think, was a month ago. I didn't realize it would be that long. Somehow the crying made me feel normal again. I am surviving, and still struggling. I know it won't be easy. I just feel it's not impossible. I know these are not the old angry and hopeless tears. These are wishful and.. and still painful tears of fears.

Time Heals ( March 9, 2012 )

Time heals. But I am not saying I am already healed. I'm just saying that I believe it does and will.

I don't want pressure. Especially not from you. I love you and I still want you in my life. But not now, not yet today.

My Moon ( March 8, 2012 )

Tonight, the full moon boasts of its eternal beauty. Sometimes, when I look at it, I feel I am being embraced by a cold wind but instead of quivering

, my body struggles with its own warmth. I hope to feel that way tonight.. and forever.

Ugly Truth ( March 7, 2012 )

Will truth really set us free? If truth will only hurt us then why are we aching to find it? Why do we want to know something so unacceptable and painful? What do we get besides wounds, scars and crazy fears?

If love is enough, will truth be buried in the hands of time? Will the past quietly rest in the past?

Behind the Great Fool ( March 6, 2012 )

I was once a liar, a cheater and a guiltless sinner. I should know what goes behind the mind of a heartless person who cheats on someone who loves them. But I am out of thought. I really don't know a thing at all about the greatest pain one can give to someone who used to believe in faithful love.

Back then, I cheated probably because of the thrill. It went so far that I realized that it's just not about the excitement. I was also hopeless because I wasn't really inlove at the time.

When I found the man I love, I changed. But I was fooled. Maybe it isn't love for him. Or maybe..everyone is entitled to make and break a heart. I want to know why.

Secrets. Lies. Guilt. ( March 5, 2012 )

Today, my mom told me that she feels my dad is cheating on her. She didn't sound angry. She seemed puzzled. She even said it in a jokingly, sarcastic manner. Somehow I felt the need to read her mind.

She read a text message from my dad's phone. She knew something was going on, but needed to seek for my opinion to confirm her suspicions. I knew then that something's going wrong. I really don't know how my dad is going to get away with this one.

I am still hoping.. And wishing, it's not true.

Losing and Winning ( March 4, 2012 )

Tonight, I witnessed an old couple being reunited by the flames of a beautiful past and a future so very uncertain, and yes, quite messy. I must say that I have seen myself and him in them. We have an almost similar story.

I wish I had more courage to forgive, and a memory that's so lousy and forgetful. I wish I had a stronger heart so I could fight this. And I wish I am not too broken to move on.

Who really wins in a struggle for second chances? Do I lose by risking my heart again? Does winning and losing really part of the game?

Lola's Girl ( March 3, 2012 )

I was my favorite lola's girl. I have always known and felt that. I practically grew up under her guidance until she passed away. If time had been more allowing, she would still be here with me today and life, as she always make me feel, will be a lot easier. I miss her so much.

Today is her birthday. A lot of things have changed and I must admit that I am not as remembering as the first years of her passing. But I know and I feel that my love for her will always be as strong as before. I have never known someone so feisty and gentle all at the same time. I am so fortunate be her favorite apo.

To Nanay Gods, happy birthday. I love and miss you. I know that you are in a very happy place and I know that you are watching me, and that you are proud of me. I'm sending kisses and prayers to heaven.. From me and your great grandson Euwy. We love you!

Tired. ( March 2, 2012 )

I am tired, simply, absolutely and unquestionably tired.

I'm tired of moving in..and moving on. I'm tired of being here and wanting to be there. I'm tired of waiting and pretending not to expect. I'm tired of not being with you and not finding the hope to be with you.

Everyone has a limit, an ultimatum. Today, my body, brain and heart want an indefinite rest. I wish.. I hope.. That I will get better. Maybe all I need is some good rest.

We Survived ( March 1, 2012 )

About a decade ago, I and three other friends survived a deadly spin. It was my first near-death experience. We were on our way to Manila to pick up supplies of medicine for our medical mission when in the middle of the hurtling highway, an owner-type jeep went on full stop causing panic to our driver which later led to an immediate turn and a sudden spinning of the vehicle were in. We were all in shock. We found ourselves turned upside-down on the highway's island. We were all very fortunate that we didn't end up being smashed on the raging road. We were all safe.

Today, I am extra thankful and grateful for being given the chance to celebrate the tenth year anniversary of our survival. God is so amazing. And I know that we are still here for a very special reason. I am alive, blessed and so much loved. Thank you so much dear God. I love you too.