Drunk Dialing ( April 26, 2012 )

This morning, around 6am, you called. And my gut feeling was so right. You were trying to call me as you drown yourself in drunkness, and stupidity..as always. I really don't know how to trust you again. And if you are ever going change.

And I don't know if I was the only one you called...

"Da-dah" ( April 25, 2012 )

My tears suddenly fell when my little boy grabbed my phone, held it on his ear, and said "Da-dah" over and over, again.

I hope it doesn't have to be so hard for him...as it is, for me.

For Tikya ( April 24, 2012 )

One of the strongest women I know just shared a story only told to few souls. I can feel her fear. I can sense her infinite pain. I hear her despair, and somehow I can see her silent tears flowing like it's not going to end. She lost a battle I never dared to fight. She exhausted all her courage trying to build trust over and again. She lost count of all the chances she gave, and has always given more. And after all has been wasted by the same man who loved and had always hurt her, she had the strength to accept her fate. I admire you, Trixie, with all of my heart, brain and soul.

Finally, you are moving on and starting over. You tried. You gave everything you can. You had enough. And yes, you deserve better. You are blessed and loved. And happiness shall come your way.. You're absolutely worth it.

Mirror, mirror ( April 23, 2012 )

Today, I finally finished watching Mirror, Mirror, a Snow White story told from the Evil Queen's point of view. It was very entertaining, and still, magical and romantic. A line from the film that struck me was, " It is important to know when you've been beaten."


When the time comes that I have known and accepted my fate, I hope to find happiness again. Today I will try to know and understand that I am already beaten. And that this is the end..and that it is ok to start over.

That's it. ( April 22, 2012 )

Just like Adele's song: That's it. I quit. I'm moving on. And I am going to try harder this time. I should have not settled. I deserve better.

21 Questions ( April 21, 2012 )

1. How do I begin?
2. Do you still feel me?
3. Are there any more apologies?
4. Why did you hurt me?
5. When is this going to end?
6. Are you still fighting?
7. Who's in the losing end?
8. Does anyone really win?
9. How could you love and lie?
10. Why can't you just go?
11. Is there a better word than "goodbye"?
12. Why can't we just stop?
13. Do you know how to let go?
14. Can you keep your dead promises?
15. Would you ever stop hurting me?
16. Can you free me from pain?
17. Is there a less ugly ending?
18. Can we just pretend we didn't happen?
19. Do we deserve another chance?
20. Can we accept all is gone?
21. Do you think I'm worth your answers?

Square One ( April 20, 2012 )

I am back to being angry, to being vulnerable to hurt and destruction, to being broken, and incapable of understanding, to being that woman who cried in furious tears the day she found out she was being deceived. I hate you so much...

Hot & Cold ( April 19, 2012 )

Sometimes, I am fuming in passion. I profess my love as if I am lighting up a candle in the midst of strong wind and heavy rain. I touch like fire on stone and I look through your eyes like I know when good things are about to begin or end. I love you like I can burn under the sun and be with you all the way to hell. Sometimes, I mean it.

Sometimes, I find myself resting on thin ice, breathing heavily, the fog touching my eyes. I see clearly. I think wisely. And all of a sudden, I feel like I can do it. I can let go and start over. I just hope nobody breaks my ice. And yes, I mean it.

Ten Years Ago ( April 18, 2012 )

Seriously, it just hit me..that ten years ago, I was nineteen years old. I was bidding farewell to my teen years and looking forward to twenties with a huge heartbeat. I was nineteen - oldest of the teens and a breath away from being a young adult. I suddenly craved for memories a decade old.

My body was almost perfect. My skin was smooth and radiant. I could wear anything and not care. I was young and bold. I was at my strongest, and bravest. I wasn't so innocent but I was impeccably curious. I had all the time to desire and all the desire of my time. I was very eager but not too serious. I was scared but I was willing. I was dreamy and hopeful. I believed and accepted. It wasn't the easiest year, but it was fun falling, breaking bones and recuperating. I was nineteen - I felt and knew I could be anything.

What I missed and would really want to remember about being nineteen was how I loved and fell, and fell and loved again. I want to remember how I took the courage to tell someone I like him, and how my nerve fought back and won, and just how every little thing he did was, cute and magical..and everything made crazy sense. I miss the feeling of stuttering, of convenient shyness and mad heart thumping. I miss the kind of reckless falling, wishing but not expecting, wanting and not getting. I miss the fearless loving and losing at nineteen.

That was a decade ago. I'm thankful to be given a chance, and a time to be nineteen..and be so good at it. I just wish I can still be like that, after all these years. For now, I'll just be happy to remember.

Just Another ( April 17, 2012 )

Just when I thought that the bad days are going for a good break, I am just slapped by the reality. It is indeed true that things can only get worse.

My temper is crazy. It is riding the waves of the temperature today. I'm extra cranky and my body's screaming tired. And the worst part is, my son is not feeling well.

Dear God, I need Your help.

Mumbles of a Mom ( April 16, 2012 )

I wish there was a manual for good motherhood. I would probably kill to get the first print. More than anyone I know and love in this world, my son deserves to have a good mother. If I can't be the best, I'd definitely go with being a good one, for now, at least.

Learning is crazy. The moments are irreplaceable. The tasks are bone-breaking. The judgment is rough. And though sometimes I think I have given my best, I still can't help but feel that it wasn't good enough and that I am so terrible at what I do, no matter how I try.

I wish I had been more prepared, more accepting, more willing and more patient. I wish to give so much MORE.. and I hope to be given more time..to try and learn, and be good.

Scarred ( April 15, 2012 )

One of my friends tweeted, " Why do old scars itch? " I wanted to reply but I didn't know exactly what to say. I just suddenly felt my own old scars itching, again. Then I realized that no matter how long it has been, or how I managed to get through my days in the past and how convinced I am in feeling that I'm in control of my fate, old scars will still have a way of letting me know that they are, and will still be there, always.

Old scars are reminders of battles lost, pain gained and heavily traumatized heart. And no matter how deeply flawed one's memories have become through the miracle of time, very unfortunately, the ugliest of all the scars are the easiest to itch, over and again.

Each scar, old or new, has a story. When they itch, they bring a fluttering memory of how it got there, how horrible it was and of course, how it was survived. It's amazing how the itch sometimes reminds me of the strength I had and how brave I was. And it's so natural how most of the times, it pushes me to go back to zero.

Family First ( April 14, 2012 )

And because booze could no longer handle the pain, and the issues, and hearts have gone tired and torn, at long last... We finally heard our voices and cries, and settled our long buried rage and fears, alcohol-free this time.

For the first time, we listened..and understood. And in the end proved that no matter what we do, wherever we go, no matter how awful we have become and how hurt we could be..there's no way we can get rid of family..our family- a kind of tough love that started at birth and will never end even until death. Blood is really thicker than any kind of pain or hatred, or liquor.

Karma's an Itch ( April 13, 2012 )

Since I couldn't get even, I trusted karma to do the filthy job for me. Karma was the justice I sought. I felt it would give me the answers I need. I was so hooked up waiting for the perfect time to watch them suffer. I was itching to see how it works. But karma, is, really, just an itch.

Slowly I am letting go of the itch, as I am accepting pain and understanding my faith. As I am letting go of anger and fear, I am also scratching the desire for karma. Soon, this will be over.

I realized that instead of waiting for karma to do its deed, I will just lift everything to God. I am very certain that God will never be happy if I take delight in watching those who hurt me suffer. Besides, there are better things to do than watch unworthy people living and sharing their mutual pains. I should just get myself busy becoming better and stronger. God would be proud of me.

In God's will and time, I will be healed and maybe, after forgiveness, I may learn to pray for them. I really hope, I will.

Cured. Cared ( April 12, 2012 )

Yeah, I know it's just allergies, and that antihistamine should be able to handle that, but I'm just wishing I'm beside you to make you feel okay..and cared for. I may not be your cure but I know you badly need to feel that I care.

I still, and probably will never stop caring.

Damn Right ( April 11, 2012 )

If you think that you are still the knight in shining armor I am waiting in my sleep.. If you feel that you still have the warmth I long to keep.. If you think you are still the one I dream and wish to spend my happy and sad days with... YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT.

I maybe out of hope and courage my dear.. But I am still dangerously crazy.

Can't tell ( April 10, 2012 )

Today you asked me if I still love you. It's not that I didn't know how to respond or what to tell. I just can't tell. I like how things are now - trying hard to be simple & no attempts to be hopeful. Again, I can't lead you on... So, for today, and until I can, I won't tell what I can't tell. Sorry.

Not Everything ( April 9, 2012 )

Not all restlessness can be cured by rest.

Not all mistakes become regrets..

Not all the twinkle in the night are stars,

Not all the darkness ends the waking hours.

Nothing that I hope for has come here,

Nothing that I dreamed of has gone this near..

Nothing that I wished for has a possibility to go,

Nothing in everything is all I beg to forget & know.

Truth and Consequence ( April 8, 2012 )

I was dying to know, but was so afraid to ask. But today, I found the courage, the almost perfect timing and the insatiable itch to scratch, finally. And the truth set me free...I'll deal with the consequence later.

New Beginnings ( April 7,2012 )

Tomorrow is Easter sunday. The life of God will be celebrated and the faith of the believers will be renewed. God has risen again and it calls for new beginnings, fresh starts and second chances..or maybe third and indefinite for some.

I'd like to take this moment to praise God and to thank him for a blessed life. I thank Him for both the easy and the tough days, the good, bad and very terrible pages of my storybook. All of the struggles made me who I am today and still lead me to follow my savior Jesus Christ. Thank you Lord!

Hot ( April 6, 2012 )

I am losing it again - my precious, phenomenal temper. I'm being eaten by impatience. I can't handle my anger. My self control is down and my screaming self is so back.

I hope I can just blame it on the heat of the summer. The scorching sunlight must have burned the strands of my patience. Oh, this can't be.

Dada ( April 5,2012 )

Today, I witnessed a magical moment. For the very first time, my little boy couldn't and wouldn't want to let go of his daddy's arms when it was time to say goodbye. He even cried while repeatedly grumbling the word "Dada".

Today, this moment amazed me and made me happy because inspite all the crazy things that had happened, my son can,and will still be given a chance to look up to his father. On the other hand, this will bring worry to me in the coming days. Because he cannot have a regular father. My little boy has to get used to saying goodbye, and letting go. I have to, too.

Aftermath ( April 4,2012 )

What will I become after all the pain and ugly memories? Will I be left empty and void, or will the world turn around on my side? I wonder if I am still qualified for a happy ending. I'd love to believe that I deserve one, someday. I am more than willing to wait, at least I can say that today.

Payback Time ( April 3, 2012 )

Sometimes, when I am reminded of my broken heart, when I feel my wounds itch and when my scars are touched.. I wonder, that maybe.. I deserve them..one way or another.

I wasn't always nice, fair, truthful and endearing. I haven't kept all of my promises. And I have broken hearts, too. So maybe, just maybe..all of this pain and gravity is just payback time. If it is, I hope it is over, and enough.

As If ( April 2, 2012 )

As if all the faces have names,

As if all the songs have voices

As if all the shadows have forms..

As if I could take what I am bound to hold.

As if all the madness is caused by love,

or all pain is just absolute magic.

As if the warmth of clashing flesh can heal the wound,

Or the sun can burn the lunatic moon.

As if someone wrote my story without an end,

or have taught me how to eagerly bend.

As if all the broken bones can turn to dust,

or all the unwritten letters made to last.

As if I can carry on without displeasure,

or wash my eyes without touching my tears..

As if the only thought I'm keeping is not to let you go..

and all the words I ache I am not worthy to know.

Fool Me Once ( April 1, 2012 )

Today is April Fools day. The night is almost over, and so far, I haven't encountered any prank. The only constant and consistent prank I've been getting is life, and how it is. I just hope I can carry on.

To the one who fooled me so bad, you can only fool me once. You can never fool me again. You can never hurt me again. You can never take me again. If you fool me twice, shame on me....and you..again.

Filter ( March 31, 2012 )

Tonight, I am fighting the urge to tell you I love you. After the whole awakening experience, I feel I have to be extra careful. There are things I hope I wouldn't do and things I must not say. I don't want to lead you on. I don't want you to feel safe. I don't want you to feel it is ok.

Tonight, I won the battle. After only three bottles of booze, I can comfortably say that I have no reason, at least not enough, to send you another drunk message and proclaim a love I have to lose...or have already lost.

What Ifs ( March 30,2012 )

I just had a thought about how my college life went. Because I chose and was chosen by a prime university, I had to rumble with the extreme challenge, with the competition existing between gods and the tempting world of first times and devilish discoveries. College was definitely a surprise to me. I had it easy in elementary. I was an achiever in highschool. And then college hit me.

I love my university with all of my heart, and I do not regret having learned things the hard way ( mostly outside the campus ), but at this point in time, I just can't avoid the question, "What if?".. What if I settled for an average university and met and exceeded expectations? What if I become a big shot somewhere else place? What if not being where I am right now would earn me a better and successful life? Just a big what if. Still, I wouldn't trade where I am right now and what I have, for the life I could have had..and maybe not supposed to have.

Twenty Something ( March 29,2012 )

Today, I read an article about how awesome it is to be in 20s. It dwelt on the great hype of being twenty something, of the fearless and the crazy heart it has, and the moments that defined this mad age. I was teary-eyed as I reminisce my own story. I suddenly found myself making a mental note, a checklist of the things I have already done and haven't. And in a snap, I felt warned realizing I have less than a year to celebrate the messy and beautiful stage of being in my 20s.

So far, and about to come to an end, I feel I have lived my 20s fully. I tried to discover myself. I lost it and fought back. I skipped classes, failed expectations and almost killed myself. I drown in laughter, in booze, tears and some weed. I met a man and fell in love. I also broke someone's heart. I felt misunderstood and alone. I smiled because I found love then and again. I have scars and fresh wounds. I am still trying and feeling weak. I am made stronger by age and fear. I have regrets but I am willing to accept.

I am still in my 20s and as long as there's time left, I am counting and living every minute of it. I would want to say hello 30 and thank you 20s..with a huge smile and a happy heart.