Letter Sent ( May 31, 2012 )

So I sent the letter. And although I told him he didn't need to reply, I am still waiting, hoping to hear from him. I really don't know why I chose this day to send that letter. Maybe I also don't know why I sent it. All I know is that I cannot stand breathing in pain and sleeping in anger and frustration. I need to break free

A Letter of Forgiveness ( May 30, 2012 )

Love,

There is so much pain and wrath trapped in my heart. Loving you has been so beautiful and rough. Our love was a circus of emotions, a journey we were both dragged into and misplaced so untimely. We've made bad decisions, fought on our own and chosen to lose. We've cried and blamed and suffered. Love couldn't heal us. But forgiveness, hopefully, will.

I forgive you. I forgive the love I thought I had. I forgive the time we never had. I forgive the chance we only hope we had. I forgive the us we couldn't have.

Although I cannot free you from all the pain, guilt or regret, I am allowing you to heal and move forward. I am also saving myself from all the wasted time and energy lost in being lonely and angry. We can't be depressed for the rest of our lives. There's just so much to live for. And our son is first on my list. You have your reasons, too.

I forgive you, and I forgive myself. It's something you also have to do. We've learned so much from too many ugly lies and truths we couldn't accept. It's time we decide to become better persons, and parents.

I am forgiving you. I love you as much as I hate you, and although I am not ready to see you go, I will let you go. I am not soliciting for love. I am not taking you back. I am not pushing you away. I am telling you this because I don't want to say goodbye with a lie. In time I will accept how things are and why we've gone this far.

For now, let me just forgive you. Let me let you go. Let me say goodbye and I love you so.

I cannot live forever with a heavy heart. Yes, I've been  broken, but in God's perfect time, i will be fixed. That goes for you, too.

Tears from heaven ( May 29, 2012 )

Last night, the heavens poured as angry and painful tears burst from my eyes. You really have a gift of finding how to hurt me more, and so much more.

Betrayed. Humiliated. Disrespected.

I hope you had enough. Because I do.

Turning Point ( May 28, 2012 )

I know I've bid too many goodbyes. There have been so little to say and mostly lost chances to start over. I've been shutting doors and welcoming pain over and again. I've moved on and looked back almost everyday of my life. Sometimes I wish I knew how to break even. So I can finish. So it can all end.

Today, my heart couldn't take no more. My sadness has been so still, and my pain has gone too deep. The hopes are long gone but I was blindly fighting. The end has come but I was still waiting. Until we both reached the turning point. I can't love you anymore. I can't be hurt anymore.

Grown Up ( May 27, 2012 )

I wonder how it's going to be like if we both think and act as grown ups. Yes, we are no longer young. We've grown old but never grew up. Age is really just a number.

One day, our son will be old enough to understand. Everyday I fear I might not be able to explain to him. But I know it will come, and I will then know how. For now, I will try to find a way to grow up as I grow old.

Back to Reality ( May 26, 2012 )

When network signals are finally back, so is the reality. On our way home, I got a message from you. And no matter how much I tried to become a better person, you still make me want to lose my mind. You are my reality. And you are back with more. I wish this is just a nightmare.

Brave in Waves ( May 25, 2012 )

After a long and exhausting trip, we finally hit Nagsasa Cove, Zambales. I fell inlove with the pine trees and hills around the cove. The sand is not white but it feels perfect on my feet. Yes, I am still scared of the waves.. But this time, I really tried. For a while, I felt free as I stand on the shore waiting to be hit by the huge and crazy waves. I stumbled. I laughed. And I did it again. It was so much fun.

I watched my son as he learn to feel the sand on his feet and play with it using little pail, rake and shovel and pretend to be scooping ice cream. His body was covered with sand as he laughed and ran and stumbled. He couldn't resist the water as well. I feel this has been his happiest moment. And despite the very tiring day, I don't regret coming with him here. This is our perfect summer.

At night, I got to see one of the most amazing views, ever. The sky was so dark and filled with bright stars. I was standing behind this pine tree and hiding beneath its branches was the beautiful moon. I could fall in love, be broken and be saved by this, over again.

Break for the Broken ( May 24, 2012 )

My cousins and some friends have been planning this trip for over a month now. I decided not to go because of my little boy. It's going to be a very long trip and it's not a typical beach resort. It will take about 5-6 hours of trip by land, more than one hour of boat ride and on the cove, we are to sleep on tents. There's no electricity and no network coverage.

But everything changed yesterday. Tonight, our bags are packed like the rest of my family and we're set to brave the waves of Zambales. Yes, I am also hoping to break free from being broken. I want to get away, to relax and to forget. And I want to do all these with my brave little one, my Euwy.

Drunken Chances ( May 23, 2012 )

By the power of drunkness and overwhelming stupidity, tonight, you threatened me. You said you're going to come over and that you're tired of this shit. As usual, you're balls only come out after the spirit of liquor takes over you. You are definitely showing who you really are...

So you came..and proved my family right. You are not worthy of having us. You lost me again. And it is really over this time. Farewell to all your drunken chances.. Farewell to all our chances.

Worst Luck ( May 22, 2012 )

Last night, I broke down and gave in to my weakness, again. I told you how I feel and waited for your judgment. And as always, you failed me. I so wish I kept silent.

You washed your hands clean by telling me that I never really wanted you in my life and that all along I was just waiting for you to make that mistake so I will have a reason to leave you. You are totally unbelievable. How the fuck could you say that?

You told me I was in perfect luck when you made that mistake like you saved me from hell, and a handful more of excuses to stay. Seriously?

You broke my heart. And now that you've completely lost your faith in my love, I don't see any worth in you fixing me and you. You have made stupid choices you don't know. Like now, you are letting me go.

Just Another 21st ( May 21, 2012 )

Because it rained so hard today, I didn't find the perfect courage to avoid thinking of you. My day consisted of mainly watching the raindrops as I remember the days we were unquestionably happy. Today, we were supposed to celebrate our special day. But we can't..anymore.

And because I don't have the balls to either forget or regret the day that is 21st, I am now seeking refuge from my bitter friend for life- my dear beer. Oh I hope to be saved tonight. I wish I had a very poor memory of us. I wish I can just forget.

Waiting on the rain ( May 20, 2012 )

I am waiting. I want so bad to stop the raining on me. I can't be this lonely for too long. I can't stay depressed. I can't indulge on this crazy hopelessness and let myself be eaten by envy of the happy. I need to stop feeling sorry. I need to quit this battle I am fighting alone. Lord, make me stronger. I am losing it again.

Happy X-day! ( May 19, 2012 )

Because I feel so alone, depressed and nostalgic, I suddenly remember my ex who is celebrating his birthday today. We were a horrible couple. He was young, immature, needy and recklessly romantic. I was just tasting my freedom then. I was trying to be tough, by breaking rules and always getting a way with all of it. I needed him too. But I was proud and selfish. He wanted me too much. I didn't want to lose him. I played safe and stayed. He played along and never left. Together, our love was unsatisfying and impossible. We fought, made up and pretended to want to try over and again. Until we both ran out of excuses to stay. So we parted. No, we never got to say goodbye. But I guess it was the best thing we've ever done - to finish it all off by just walking away and never looking back. It was an ugly but an acceptable ending. I had to move on.

I spent more than half a year, finding fault, feeling lonely, wanting to go back, weeping, smiling in pain, moving forward and then backwards, feeling troubled and finding more questions to answer. I knew it was the end. It was just too much for me to take. It was my longest relationship. And I didn't know when and how to start again. I felt old and rusty.

Then thank God, I got over hell. I moved on, and fell in love again. I was given the most beautiful son. I was so happy. I was okay. Until I got broken, again. Well, that probably explains why I suddenly felt my heart fainted a bit after seeing a picture of my ex with his happy wife and kid just a couple of hours ago. No, I don't wish we ended up together instead. I'm actually happy for him. I just wish I had a chance like him, to have a family of my own and a picture to tell it all. I wish it had worked for me, too.

Highschool High ( May 18, 2012 )

Today, I was reunited with my closest highschool buddies. I finally got to share my story over a bottle of beer. It felt good to be back, and it was overwhelming how much understanding they have and how much more they can still give after all the years of silence and absence. It is definitely rewarding to have kept the old friends. I am looking forward to a sooner next time.

Envy Day ( May 17, 2012 )

My mom's golden rule is to never envy. So every time I become so human and envious thoughts play in my head, I remember how my mom would raise one of her brows, and stress on this evil and very deadly sin. And somehow it never failed to help.

But I will have to make an exception today. Today is my envy day. This is a day I am not supposed to feel guilty about peeking at someone else's happiness while cringing in jealousy and displeasure. This has got to be the day.

This afternoon, my eyes started to itch and suddenly went watery after seeing my sister's boyfriend ease the cut on her finger. It was just so sweet. I also saw a status on facebook that sent me waves of envy. I've seen pictures, happy faces, hopeful smiles and love-filled eyes. And I'm not there.

Tonight, I will also have to forgive myself. I know this day will pass, and that other days like this will still come. But I will be stronger. I will be better. And I will try harder to remember the golden rule of my mother.

If you choose her.. (May 16, 2012 )

I am not a saint. I am no martyr. I may have forgiven, but that is it. I strongly feel I have done my part by not wishing and wanting to watch you both suffer. That's all I can offer, and all that I am capable of.

But if you choose her, I will take it all back. You will have nothing left but the memory of us. You will be forgotten, and never be forgiven. I will be unkind. I will break, mend and forget. Yes, you probably deserve to be happy in time, but not with her. Never with her.

Another Lifetime ( May 15, 2012 )

In another lifetime, I want to meet you in a park, or outside a grocery store. I want it raining real hard, and the day as busy as a typical monday, or friday. As I fumble for my car keys, you will accidentally bump into me causing one of my bags to fall. You will apologize. I'll be mad for a few seconds. And then the world stops as we get lost staring at each other. Love at first sight, finally.

In another lifetime, I want you just as tall, with better hair and teeth. I don't want you so thin. I want you lean, with hands bigger than mine.

In another lifetime, I want a you that's a better version of you. I want you with a better life, a family that's not broken, a comfortable house and a nice car. I want a you who's prepared, confident and able. I want a you that knows how to wait, and who won't settle for less.

In another lifetime, I want a you that is real. I want a you who can be a father to our child. I want a you who will never let go. I want a you that loves me so.

Maybe,there won't be another lifetime. And just maybe, there won't be a better you, and me in another you.

Sick ( May 14, 2012 )

After almost two years, my immune system lost its fight. Now I am under the discomfort of sneezing and clogged nose. I really need to get well. A full time mom can not be sick. I don't have the luxury to rest, and be weak. And I can't kiss my little boy as much as I want to. Lord, make me well.

Mothers' Day ( May 13, 2012 )

I know now that I have found a day of celebration that is so much better than my birthday. Mothers' day is just so great. Birthdays are celebrated to remember the day we came into the word.. Mothers' day is a celebration of being born again and being changed forever.

To my mom, you are the best. And I am eternally thankful that God gave me you.

To all the mothers I know and love, let us celebrate our day with happiness and so much more.

To my little boy, I love you too. I deserve to have you and you deserve to have me too.

Pre Mothers' Day Treat ( May 12, 2012 )

This is the best pre mothers' day treat so far. I am just so happy..and enchanted. God thank you for the divine miracle of motherhood. Thank you Euwy for giving me the chance to become who I am today. You are the reason why I want to be the best. I love you to infinity and beyond.

Let me go now ( May 11, 2012 )

It's not easy to not care. To ignore. To abandon. To let it just pass. To be without. But we really don't have tomorrow. And today is not possible. We've gone tired chasing chances, hoping for a less ugly story and pretending we haven't hit our ending. I feel a pinch in my heart, a sudden gush of weakness and a hammer pounding my head then and again. This is the only right thing to do. Let me go now.

No Easy Way ( May 10, 2012 )

Everyday, life find its way to make me learn and understand that things don't always come and go easy. Sometimes, there is just no easy way. But no matter what, there's always a way. Tough. Hard. Complicated. Crazy. I don't care. As long as there is a way. There has to be.

Happy Day ( May 9, 2012 )

Today I get to do what I love to do, with the people I love. Today, our clan ate and shopped. Yes, it was a pretty busy and tiring day but it was well worth it. I so love being with my family. Thank you God for all our blessings.

Teary Tired ( May 8, 2012 )

Today, I wasn't able to get hold of it, again. I cried as my little boy cried and screamed. I felt terrible that I don't know what he wants, and it made me crazy how he can throw such an exhausting tantrum everyday for a week now. I cried because I was so freaking tired. I cried because I lost my patience again. And I cried because I love my son so much but I can't stand him at times. Dear God, I need your help.

Between Hello & Goodbye ( May 7, 2012 )

They say, and I believe too, that forever isn't true. All that we really have is what's between hello and goodbye. And when it's all over, we begin by remembering with sadness and bitterness. It happens and it ends. We accept things. We figure out. We move forward. We understand that some time, somehow everything was so right. Until it stopped working right. And in between the beauty of hello and the pain of goodbye comes a story, that no amount of forgetfulness or bad memory can replace or erase. I don't want to remember, really. I tried to shut it off for so many times now.. But I also couldn't forget. A person who has been in love and has been hurt must have had the strongest and the most accurate memory of all. In time, I will be fine. Sooner or later, it will be ok just to remember. And it is going to be a breeze to reminisce what's between the hello and the goodbye, and the forever we could never have.

Not an Easy Sunday ( May 6, 2012 )

Before finally exhausting himself and shutting off to slumber, my little boy cried for more than an hour. To date, this has been his worst tantrum. I lost energy, patience and faith that I will ever become a good mother. I hope to have a better day tomorrow and may I be given another chance to try to become a good parent. God, I am taking this challenge. Please give me all the strength that I need.

A Little ( May 5, 2012 )

Today, I reminisced a little, wondered a little, wept a little. I remembered the day we both knew that it was never going to be easy but still decided to try. I had a picture in my head. I felt the memory of us. I quivered and cried. I watched myself cry, and accepted that I tried. I just hope it was enough. And all these shall pass, in a little.

Tantrums ( May 4, 2012 )

I thought I am already having the toughest mommy moments- the running, being bitten and slapped, the circus-like feeding, the sick days and sleepless nights.. But hell no, the party is just getting started. For the past few days, my little boy has been draining his and my energy throwing tantrums whenever. I am out of strength but full of love. I am full of hope and full of more love to give. Dear God, I seek your guidance. Please help me become a good mother everyday, every minute of my life. I need more patience, more energy and more strength.

Too Blessed ( May 3, 2012 )

I know my problems are nothing compared to those who are homeless, ill, those that lost their loved ones, got robbed, raped or murdered, those who are not able to bear child, or whose children left for good. I know I am going through an awful lot right now, but I have no right to feel sorry, at all. I am too blessed to be stressed, or to be depressed. I have a wonderful, gorgeous and healthy little boy, my family is finally reunited, I have finally found the courage to say goodbye and let go to that person who broke my heart, and above all these, I have a God who knows and trusts my strength, and who gives me nothing but the best. Thank you that I have been so blessed.

Heard. Acknowledged. ( May 2, 2012 )

Finally I was heard, and acknowledged. I never really gave up. I found a way, and got it. And right now, I feel good about saving one of the best friendships I have. I'll be needing more patience, and understanding though. I can do this.. I will.

Stressed & Depressed ( May 1, 2012 )

Just when I thought this day is going to be fine, I am blown away by stress and depression first thing in the morning. My son is sick. The temperature is still crazy hot. I still ache for a lasting relationship and envy couples who are tough in love. I feel the clock is ticking fast. And I am ending my day, alcohol-free, full of worry and mad hopeless. I want to save myself so bad, but drowning in pain has been my currency in life.

Reunited with Pearl ( April 30, 2012 )

After more than two years, I finally get to see my Mother Pearl today. I was so tired with all the walking and playing with my little boy, and thank heavens he was sound asleep when Pearl and I finally met and engaged in catching up. It was so nice to 'her' again. She is still the same truthful and sincere friend, I would always have and love. I miss her in so many ways but all we could do given so little time, was to just talk... I hope we can spend more time together. We used to go to movies a lot, kill time before shift by window shopping or food tripping..and so much more.

At the end of the day, no matter how many friends have forgotten and chosen a different life, friendship is still an ultimate source of insanity, reality and strength. I'm glad to have Pearl still after all these years. Thank you so much Mother Pearl! See you soon!

Missing my McBestfriend ( April 29, 2012 )

No matter how many times he broke my heart, I still could not find the strength and the courage to completely hate and ignore my McBestfriend. I miss him so much that it heavily hurts me how he makes and breaks promises, and ignores me almost all the time.

We used to be like soul sisters. We had the best and worst times together. He was always there for me.. And I was always there for him. Until time and distance interrupted, and changed our friendship. I tried so hard to reach out for him but the longer it takes, the harder it gets. I feel ignored, taken for granted. It's like he's been pushing me away all these times, until I finally give up. We are not ourselves anymore.

Tonight, I said sad things to him. I was in deep pain as I told him that I am never gonna bother him again. For now, it's all I can do.. And maybe on my own, as always, just pray for his safety everyday, and wish that in time, the hurt will go away..and we can be best of friends again. In my heart, I am never giving up.

Pain after Pain ( April 28, 2012 )

Pain, always my inspiration..
Every cracked bone,
Every cut through the flesh..
Every sad stupid song,
All the broken pieces come along.

As bitter as the first sip,
As untamed as the free spirit.
Pain has changed and saved,
And played god with time so made.

Its beauty is mad, overpowering.
To the weeping, eternally burning..
To the memory of the forgotten,
The warmest embrace of the frozen.

Wishing pain can ease pain,
And tears can wash grief..
May the weight of my soul
Be carried before I fall.

Heartbreaks ( April 27, 2012 )

I've had my heart broken many times now. Of course, it always felt horrible. But today, I found the blessing in all goodbyes and the beauty in being broken. Because for each time someone breaks my heart, I am given another divine chance to find real love. God wants me to have the best, and the truest. And in His perfect time, I will be healed and all the hurt will become happiness.