My Euwy

Although his energy drains mine
From all the running, skipping..the unstoppable playing,
His laughter and glow drowns my weariness,
His youth and beauty, all too priceless.

Although he won't obey all the time,
And would tire himself crying for something he can't have..
His droopy eyes, and sincerest apologies..
Heals me. Soothes me. Surprises me.
And I begin to wonder again how he get to be so tiny and so witty.

And although I wasn't prepared when he came to my life,
And that I have learned so little, so fast..
I am forever thankful to have been given,
The most beautiful.
The smartest.
The sweetest.
The most active, and amazing.
My heart, my soul and my life..
My Angel, my gift and my life's biggest surprise..

Blended Dreams and Frosted Wishes

Tiny glimmering spots, held on my palms
The sun has shone again, its blaze, cold and calm.
Waiting for the night to fall under,
So another yesterday will be over.

I still get the ugly dreams at sleep, and even when I'm awake.

So I get up and pour myself more coffee..
Out of the shivering storm inside me,
And off to the thoughts ever so cloudy..
I sometimes wish you were farther away, from me.

I light up a cig and pretend to breathe weakly
Delaying the heart beat, pushing the thin air far away, from me.
Getting so used to it,
Trying as much to outrun it.

And then I crash, and somehow you are not as felt as before.
This is not the way I wished for.

Fool Moon ( January 26, 2013 )

Every time the moon boasts of its uncanny and supreme beauty, piercing the dark sky with its indestructible fullness, I so purposely take my unbidden chance to blame it for my elaborate lunacy. It is foolish to say that the night is young. It has grown old, older than the most ancient stars, or any creature of the universe. The dark skies have been the sanctuary of all whims and wishes, the maddest and the most hopeless. We think it is undying of exuberance and always yielding of the darkest, most covetous partaking. When it falls, we marvel in its mystery, and when it ends, we delight as if it is our very first beginning. The night, and the moon, with all the infinite possibilities keep us safe, and anticipating - every single time, just before we ramble to slumber. And sometimes, despite all the glory and the shrill frivolity it unselfishly offers, we condemn it for endlessly gratifying our appeal, bearing our unbearable human foolish desires, with a striking, thwarting finish.

Lost Sister ( January 25, 2013 )

Today, I awoke with a message on my phone that made me shiver, and burst into silent, hopeless tears. My dear sister, my one and only in the whole world, spoke of pain, and more of it and made me feel I have to be miserable so their suffering will be well-worth of the life I chose. She still thinks it was all about my longing for freedom. I didn't want to argue because she would never understand. She's furious, and too broken to hear what I had to say. So I have chosen silence again, while wishing and praying that someday they will realize that it wasn't about freedom. I left to forgive, to love and to start over, a family, of my own. It's just so unfortunate that they won't let me even prove that I can..

Thirty and Surprised ( January 19, 2013 )

I had to wait thirty dirty years to experience my first ever surprise party. Thanks to my best friend who made it all happened. Our only plan was to have dinner and few drinks at his place, but I didn't know he invited our special friends to come and celebrate with us too. I was completely surprised all I could say was thank you so much...

I may not have been greeted by anyone from my immediate family because they were too broken to be happy for me, but I thank God for friends who stood by me, and understood my happiness. God is super amazing. He never left me empty handed. Thank You!

Now let me say hello to another year of my existence, my very first day at 30s. Yes, I am getting older.. But I am also feeling so much better! To my little boy and to our man, thank you and I love you!

Leaving 20 Something ( January 18, 2013 )

Tomorrow I will officially bid my farewell to my glorious and equally twisted 20s. Tomorrow, the blog I committed to update daily turns one year old. It was quite an accomplishment to be able to scribble my happiness and pain, all the good and bad, openly and truthfully. I still smile, laugh and get all teary-eyed whenever I read my old posts. It was my history, and my relief. I'm very thankful for the moments that happened, and amazed at the past that is over. There are things I couldn't change and people who chose not to understand. But as my life goes on, I will try to survive everything the world brings.

Tonight, for first time since I left home, I got a drunk text message from my mother. My head ached, and my heart broke, all over again. There's just so much to say, and prove and love that has to be accepted.

Early Gifts ( January 17, 2013 )

Today, I was able reunite with my favorite gadget, my three-year old laptop. My son was also rejoined by some of his favorite toys from our then crib. We were both giddy as we saw our most valued things in the world. My cousin was kind enough to meet up with us today to deliver the stuff. They live right next to my parents' house and they managed to ask my mom to get a few things for us.

One of my cousins also sent me a gift, and inside I was surprised to see a note. I almost cried as I read through it and felt her sincerest love and understanding. I so much needed that, especially from someone who's part of the family who couldn't be happy for my decision. I've been so blessed today. Thank you to my dear cousin, and to You God who's never let me down.

The Gift of Contentment ( January 16, 2013 )

I was supposed to be home ( where my parents live ) tonight with my dear son, only if my father wasn't as stone hearted as he is now, and probably for the longest time I could imagine. My son would've spent time with his favorite cousin in the world and I would've filled my tummy with my dear mom's home cooking and expensive groceries. I would've packed more things ( my son's toys mostly ) to bring where we live now and enjoyed a night sleeping in our air-conditioned room. I would've looked at all the stuff we left and figured how come we survived the last three weeks without any of it. I would've stayed and contemplated why we left in the first place and maybe turn back time. I could have, but I couldn't.

I haven't watched TV ( missing a lot on my favorite night soap operas ) for the last three weeks because the TV in our new place is broken and we can't buy one just yet. I haven't freely surfed the net and tired my eyes on my laptop, too. I was in a rush the time we left home I forgot to bring my favorite gadget, and a lot more things. The last time I shopped was a little after Christmas, which was last year. There's just so much difference that I sometimes think I could snap and have a change of heart. But I couldn't, and won't.

I made a choice, a tough one. And it's my time to get on my feet and prove them wrong.

I am quite surprised we survived. Happiness is truly a choice. Contentment is next. I am still working on it, and I can try harder. In two more days, I will turn thirty. And for that Lord, please bless me with the gift of contentment... Thank You!

Remembering the Pluses ( January 15, 2013 )

I got annoyed by my bestfriend's reply to my little ranting. We were discussing about my birthday plans and I told her I don't feel like celebrating because I am depressed. It was as if she snapped, and started to bombard me with the most sarcastic questions and fiery judgment. I was furious, for a while. Then as she dug through the many reasons why she said what she said, I suddenly felt like a little girl being disciplined by her granny. She was right. I've been too caught up with stress and depression that I am failing to see the great things I still have. So I apologized, and thanked her.

Yes, I might not have much, and I probably won't be able to give my son everything he desires, but he is still healthy, and happy. He's been adjusting pretty well, and he's growing sweeter and more adorable each day.

Yes, for some, it seemed like I've turned my back on my family because I chose to be with the man I love, but in a world who knows and understands, I bid farewell to my family because I had to start my own. And so far, I believe we've been doing great.

Happiness is certainly a choice. I just have to let this lonely phase pass. There's so much to live, and be thankful for. Life maybe crazy tough, but I am still blessed with so many. And tomorrow, I will start anew and choose happiness..and more of it.

Pride and Patience ( January 14, 2013 )

Today, I asked my mom if I can visit their place. She said I can't, not just yet. Because my dad is still horribly mad and things might get really ugly at home. So I shed some tears, and found myself seeking courage and patience from my son's ever adorable smile. I need more patience. As my father's pride grow by a thousand fold, so must my patience.

Loss and Found ( January 13, 2013 )

Maybe I haven't fully absorbed the weight of my decision, and all the consequences that come along with it. I know I failed my family, my parents, at the most. I know I've started a new life, and that my happiness is misunderstood by them. I know what I lost. I just don't know how to deal with it now. I found my way back to the man I love, and the chance to start over, as a family. But losing the family I've grown with, is an absurd reality and a hindrance to my happiness... I guess I really don't deserve to be happy.

Shackles of Freedom ( January 12, 2013 )

I probably do not understand what true freedom means. I've made horrible mistakes, gambled with uncertainty and lived my years feeling I know what I want and just what to do. But then, I really don't. So I failed, and tried some more. I figured all I need is to free myself, and to find the meaning of this certain freedom. But then, I am wrong. Again. I realized I wasn't seeking for freedom. Freedom has always been mine. All it takes is acceptance, and maybe a little bit of understanding. I've made crazy choices, and dealt with huge decisions, and at the end of the day, I am not allowed to stop trying, to fail some more and to accept what freedom has come to offer me, every single day.

First Rain ( January 11, 2013 )

We've been living together for two weeks now, and tonight, the rain falls for the first time. He asked what I wanted for midnight snack. I said I wanted fries and coke float. When he came home, we ate, stood by the door, watched the rain, smoked and felt the first rain of so many more to come...

Mornings ( January 10, 2013 )

I never thought mornings can be warmer, and sweeter. Now I don't only wake to my little boy's kisses and giggles, but also to the loving arms of our man. Thank you Lord for giving a new meaning to my mornings, our mornings...

Intoxicating Truth about Life ( January 9, 2013 )

I don't need booze anymore when I get lonely, or when I'm in pain. All I need is wait..wait a little until he gets home and finally wrap his arms around me. I miss him more today than when we weren't living together. It gets lovelier each day, sweeter and more sensible. I must have gone through so much hell to deserve this heaven. Life is really full of humor. And tonight, I laugh with it.

You see life is the most intoxicating message of the world. It drives us groggy and crazy. It's never fair and all-fine. It knocks us out, and wastes us some more. It shows us the bitterest of all truths and the fruits of all lies. It defeats us. It mocks us. But it also teaches us how to fight back. And at the end of each day, we live and try. Sometimes, all we really need is someone to fight with us, to live and try until we can, and no longer can. Life is knowing we have so much to live for, something or someone.

Too Soon ( January 8, 2013 )

I've waited more than two years to be with them, as a whole, trying to live a happy family life. I lost hope, patience and trust until I learned the courage to fight harder. It was indeed the longest two years of our lives. And now that we're finally here, how can we say or define the term "too soon"? I know it's beyond complicated, and that we need more than a miracle to get through this sweet hell.. But what if all it takes for us to actually get there is to do things right NOW?

Back to Cooking! ( January 7, 2012 )

It feels like I haven't cooked in ages. For more than two years, I've been so caught up baby sitting my little boy that I don't have the time to do one of favorite things in the world- cooking. So today, I danced and sang in the kitchen as I chopped the veggies, prepared the pan and cooked my heart away. I loved the feeling. But the best part was serving my specialty dish to the reason I am cooking again.. :))

Crazy Little Thing Called Forgiveness ( January 6, 2013 )

Yes, I blame it on love, and all its non-sense. I've gone stupid and I know it just won't end. But forgiveness is another thing. It heals. It accepts. It makes room for change. It makes someone see differently, feel freely and believe in second chances. It's crazy how it mends the broken, how it eases the pain and how it turns an ugly beginning into a possible happy ending. Yes, I have forgiven and it made sense- crazy but a lot of sense type of craziness.

Parks, Playground, Father and Son ( January 5, 2013 )

After one week, my son is starting to establish a relationship with his dad. Today, we went to the park and the play ground and watched our son run, play and be a little boy spending quality time with his family, his very own. He got so tired he fell asleep as soon as we reached home. We were exhausted as well. But no exhaustion can burst the bubbles of happiness we all three shared today. When I saw my boys walking hand in hand, I smiled and thanked the Lord for the lovely day I thought we would never have.

The First Week ( January 4, 2013 )

I almost didn't notice. It's been seven days since I made the biggest, scariest and most surprising decision of my life. And yes, it wasn't all fun. I'd like to think it's heaven and hell at the same time. I am happy and lonely. I am complete, or so I thought. I miss my family. I am building my own, and it's just painful I couldn't have the best of both worlds.

HomeSick ( January 3, 2012 )

I've missed home ever since we left. My son does too, and would sometimes throw tantrums as he beg for us to go back to the shelter he's been used to. Whenever he cries crazy because of homesickness, I feel a twitch in my heart. I feel guilt. I feel insufficient. I feel more sad. Maybe this is what I wanted, a family of my own. But sometimes, I feel like I've sacrificed my son's comfort and happiness for mine... I really hope I'm wrong.

Choices and Consequences ( January 2, 2013 )

Today is my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. This is also the first time I'm not home to celebrate with them. Last new year's eve was also a first. We've always celebrated occasions together. Except things have changed, and we're no longer who we used to be- a family.

The decision was huge. The timing was ultimate. The consequences are rough. The acceptance is so far from reach.

So today, I have but only one hope- that from where I am and how they see it, they'd give a little room for forgiveness and some courage to accept.

New Year, New Fears ( January 1, 2013 )

And so it is 2013. New life. New hope. New beginnings. New plans. New dreams. New struggles. New year.. New fears. The fear of not knowing what tomorrow brings, or if it shall ever come.. It all boils down to what we must do while we have TODAY.. Happy New Year! I hope I am ready.

The Year of Madness ( December 31, 2012 )

Tomorrow, a new year shall come and before that happens, I'd like to thank the year that was - the year of mad happenings and twisted stories, my 2012. Thank you 2012 for so many great and ugly things you let me endure. Thank you for being equally painful and rewarding. Thank you for letting me go beyond my limits and face my ancient fears. You were unforgiving and sweet. You were sarcastic and truthful. You were rough and fulfilling. You were rude and uplifting. You were a surprise, and now a past. Thank you so much!

Amazing Baby ( December 30, 2012 )

I've always thought and assumed that all the drastic changes would mostly affect my little innocent boy. I was so wrong. My baby's adaptability took me by surprise. I never imagined how after all the happiness and love he poured me, he could still give more. So to my one and only amazing baby, thank you. I love you so much more.

All the Bliss and Lights ( December 29, 2012 )

Today, we went to Ayala Triangle Courtyard to witness the lights show. My little boy had to see it. His eyes widened, and glimmered as the show began. It was very entertaining, heart-warming and somewhere I felt my soul burst in bliss. I am happy tonight. I've never been this uncertain, and joyful..

Risk to the Ruins ( December 28, 2012 )

And so today, I did the biggest gamble of my life and it felt like I'm winning..by losing and by understanding the weight of my ancient defeat. I don't feel brave just yet.. But I am free.

Evil Red ( December 27, 2012 )

Sorry bottle of semi-sweet red.. I underestimated you. After soaking into a liter of your innocent, mocking delight, I die and all else burst in madness. I don't know if tomorrow shall come.. Maybe I don't want to.