Because I feel so alone, depressed and nostalgic, I suddenly remember my ex who is celebrating his birthday today. We were a horrible couple. He was young, immature, needy and recklessly romantic. I was just tasting my freedom then. I was trying to be tough, by breaking rules and always getting a way with all of it. I needed him too. But I was proud and selfish. He wanted me too much. I didn't want to lose him. I played safe and stayed. He played along and never left. Together, our love was unsatisfying and impossible. We fought, made up and pretended to want to try over and again. Until we both ran out of excuses to stay. So we parted. No, we never got to say goodbye. But I guess it was the best thing we've ever done - to finish it all off by just walking away and never looking back. It was an ugly but an acceptable ending. I had to move on.
I spent more than half a year, finding fault, feeling lonely, wanting to go back, weeping, smiling in pain, moving forward and then backwards, feeling troubled and finding more questions to answer. I knew it was the end. It was just too much for me to take. It was my longest relationship. And I didn't know when and how to start again. I felt old and rusty.
Then thank God, I got over hell. I moved on, and fell in love again. I was given the most beautiful son. I was so happy. I was okay. Until I got broken, again. Well, that probably explains why I suddenly felt my heart fainted a bit after seeing a picture of my ex with his happy wife and kid just a couple of hours ago. No, I don't wish we ended up together instead. I'm actually happy for him. I just wish I had a chance like him, to have a family of my own and a picture to tell it all. I wish it had worked for me, too.
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